chiv·al·ry (shvl-r)
n. pl. chiv·al·ries
1. The medieval system, principles, and customs of knighthood.
2.
a. The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.
b. A manifestation of any of these qualities.
3. A group of knights or gallant gentlemen.
So you're coming home from what seems to be another "dead end date". The guy you're dating was a good 30 minutes late picking you up, when he arrived to your humble abode, he presumed to honk several times, and when you came to his car, he simply unlocked his door from the inside informing you that it was unlocked and that it was ok to get in. So you get in his car and continue on with your date as planned. His musical choice, although not something you're not accustomed to is definitely not something you'd expect on the first date. He's taking you to a restaurant, nice! But when you get there, much like when he picked you up, he failed to open your car door once again, failed to open the door to the restaurant, and he also failed to pull out your chair to the table that you guys were sitting at. But are all men like this? Is chivalry really dead? Who's to blame?
The times have definitely changed, that is something that we cannot disagree on. Those of us who grew up in 2 parent homes may have witnessed a certain balance in our households. Our fathers bore the brunt of the financial burden, they seemed to work more, to be more in charge of our safety, when things broke down, he was the one to fix it, or at least try. There was always a certain aura about our fathers that stood out and gave us the impression that he was indeed the last line of defense regarding all situations. Our mothers, well they were our nurturers. When things went wrong or we were sick, they were the ones to console us, when we were hungry they were the ones that fed us, always the ones that were checking on us ensuring that we were okay. They appeared much more fragile than our fathers and often even if we had the support of our mothers regarding something important, our fathers support is what seemed to matter the most regarding the decisions that were made. Those of us who grew up in single parent homes may have witnessed something completely different. We saw our parents as strong independent figures who didn't rely off of the opposite sex to get the job done. One parent was enough and it taught us independence growing up and that we didn't necessarily need the opposite sex for anything outside of our physical desires much like our parents.
Before the late 70's & 80's hit and drugs literally tore apart our communities, we saw strong family values. Getting divorced was shunned upon, parents stuck it out through thick and thin and many of the children in those generations born and raised before that era had been accustomed to that. The majority of us born during the 80's or after are more susceptible to being raised in single parent homes and are being raised with a more independent mindset. In the 50's, 60's & 70's, a woman, regardless of what aspirations she might have had, might have been prepared more for running a household from within where now she might be prepared for actually running a household in its entirety. Maybe her mother was abandoned by her father and now feels she must teach her daughter not to rely on men as much as she did at a young age so she might not prep her daughter to cater to a man. She'd much rather prep her daughter to be strong and independent and when she's done taking care of herself, then she should focus on a man. That's just a theory though. Overtime men have lost the very edge that we once possessed, the work field is more equal now than it's ever been. In a lot of cases, the woman is bringing in more than the man. The only distinction between us and them now is our physical stature and brute strength.
"chivalry died with the rise of the independent woman. Think about it, the more independent women got, the less chivalrous men got. It's a direct correlation. In general men are probably less likely to be chivalrous because women don't need us anymore."~@KenHarley/twitter
Although that is just an opinion of one man, I know many men who feel the exact same way. Women have assumed a more dominant role in the household and now feel it isn't necessary for them to cater to men the way that their mothers and/or grandmothers once did, and why should they? They wake up in the morning just like us, they go to work just like us and work just as many hours as us. Who's to say they aren't tired when they get home? Ladies, you have that right however, there is a cause and effect to that and you must come to terms with it.
Women on a large scale have stopped catering to men so in turn, men have stopped courting women. The little things we used to do to win you over, many of us don't do anymore. What happened to women being sensitive, consoling, supportive, not just psychologically supportive but physically as well. Nowadays a man breaks his back to support his family only to come home to a woman who won't massage it because she's affected by those same ailments. What happened to the men who carried your groceries, took out your garbage when it was full, pumped your gas, opened up your doors etc? Have these types disappeared? The desire for those virtues are still there, that's for sure. Catering will always make a man feel special, no matter how emotionally disconnected he may seem to be and courting will always make a woman feel special, no matter how independent and hardened her stance is. It's part of our "chemical makeup". These attributes aren't dead, they live within us, we've just buried them deep within our psyches due to the lack of the need to use them.
"Woman now more than ever have a voice, but very few are saying the right things.."
I open doors, pull out chairs, take out the trash, cook what I can, and protect the woman in my life at all costs but not all women are worth that. Are you? This is a question you must ask yourself. What kind of signals are you giving men? What does he think of when he sees and hears you. Does he think Lady, woman, or girl. Now, some of you may be asking what the difference is, rightfully so. To me, a girl is nothing more than the sex of a person, what you were born as. It's not determined by the level of maturity a person possesses or her characteristics. A girl's level of maturity, physically and mentally is what makes her a woman. She's grown, she works and pays her own bills. She's fully developed physically and mentally. A lady, well that is something that all women have a choice of being. It's not so much a matter of maturity, it's more so a choice of character. You have a choice of how you conduct yourself, your demeanor, your tone, how you speak, the language you use, the music you listen to, your etiquette. Chances are, a man will operate solely based on the vibe he gets from you. If he feels that you demand that kind of respect a lady should receive then he will give it to you but why should he if you're listening to music that degrades women? Why should he if your refer to yourself as a "bitch" regardless of whether "bad" comes before it or not? Why should he treat you with any class if you don't exude any level of class yourself? Why should he speak to you like a lady and every other word out of your mouth is profane. It's not often that you will find a man that is willing to treat you as a lady regardless of how you display yourself. There are men like that out there but they are rare. Set a standard for yourself and live by it. Being a lady should be a way of life for you.
"Niggas don't open doors anymore or pull out chairs, chivalry is dead.."
You're right, "niggas" don't do those things but men do. You have to be selective when dating. I know the neck/face tats, high use or profanity, and the entire "bad boy" image is intriguing to you but do you really expect him to be chivalrous? Start judging the men you date off of substance not just whatever is visually appealing. The more serious he is about life, the more serious he will be about love. Also, older men might work better for you because I believe men mature slower than women. The older the man is, the more grasp he has on what manhood is.
It's not uncommon for a woman to have the right individual in her life who might be the perfect gentleman but she be completely oblivious to the fact that he is because to her, he's just a friend. She thinks he's nice and a good friend to have so what does she do? She places him in the "friend zone".
"I've been to every club/bar in the city and there just doesn't seem to be any good men.."
Where you are meeting men plays a large role. Not because good men don't exist in these places but the setting might not require him to act as if he's seriously looking for a "lady". Good men do go to clubs but what do they go to clubs looking for, something long term or short term? Also, how presentable are you in a club, are you sending off signals of someone looking for something long term or short term? If you're wearing something too revealing, drunk to the point where you are stumbling as you walk, speaking too loudly while using profanity, you are sending off the wrong signals to someone who is most likely already looking for something short term.
"It's just twitter"
How much time do you actually spend on social networks? Do you look at social networks as a possible avenue to pursue something real? If you spend a lot of time on social networks, then you should. However, you must realize that the way you conduct yourself will affect your chances of finding a man that will actually want to treat you like a lady. Think of it this way. If you are a rabbit in a turtle race, are you really going to try as hard as you can in order to win the race when you don't have to? That's how most men are with women. Men don't have to try as hard with most women because we don't feel you exhibit the necessary qualities of someone who deserves our best.
Look, bottom line, a lot of women fail to realize that they get treated the way they do because they don't set standards for themselves. If you have no standards for yourself, you can't have high standards regarding men. "Date your equal". Whatever you feel that you are putting out, find the same in a man and don't settle for less or expect more. Men and women in today's age are in a tugawar of who's going to give more first. You will never affect change that way. The most affective way to change something is to start with yourself and lead by example. As I said before, these qualities are in us but they are dormant much like the natural instincts of a lion or tiger who's been trained over time not to harm humans. If you antagonize this lion, sooner or later those natural instincts will come out. Yes, men have to start making women feel like women again but women have to start making us feel like men again as well. Start with yourself. Chivalry isn't dead, it's very much alive, just waiting for the right set of individuals to wake it up.
Be great.
(This is just my personal opinion and is not meant to be taken as fact. I'm not a doctor or counselor, just one man sharing my thoughts. Hope it helps)
This was fantastic! I totally agree.
ReplyDeleteIndeed holly, thank you for reading!
Delete