Women say they want to date nice guys (Urbaniak & Kilmann, 2003), but their actions and choices often send a different message. Our culture is full of examples of less-than-nice guys getting the girl (or many girls)—Han Solo, Barney Stinson, Johnny Castle, and even Jordan Belfort (of The Wolf of Wall Street) had no trouble attracting women.
When a woman says, “He’s nice,” her ruling may actually be a polite rejection, a recognition of some good qualities, but an overall evaluation of “No, not for me.”
You're a 'good' man, that makes a decent living, you meet women every so often however you can't seem to close the deal with the kind of women you're attracted to. You were raised to treat a woman with respect of course, you pull out chairs, open doors, you pay the bill every time and you ask questions and carefully listen to her responses. But this often leads to her telling you that you're a good guy, but just not what she's looking for. But why?
We often look to certain terms that describe the typical men who get the girl as assholes, jerks, neglectful, dangerous, and selfish individuals. But let's take a deeper look at these terms and how they correlate to the kind of characteristics these men have that lead them to being categorized as such and why some of these characteristics seem to attract women even though on the surface, they appear to be undesirable traits.
First let's ask ourselves this question. What do women want. Well, from my own person experiences, the answers can be quite contradictory. Here's what I mean.
1. A woman wants a man that takes pride in the way that he looks but who doesn't spend more time on his look than her. It is perceived as feminine to some.
2. A woman wants a man whose romantic, kind, has manners, and thoughtful but isn't afraid to stand firm on his decisions as it pertains to her and the decisions for the household.
3. They want a man whose driven, successful, financially secure, but wants to place her first, ahead of the things that made him successful, financially.
4. She wants a man who's attractive, even though she's very territorial and can't stand the attention he may get from women on a daily.
5. She wants him to be book smart with a little bit of street in him.
6. She's drawn to the man who has a social life but is left feeling neglected when his social life gets in the way.
Are all women like this? No. But a lot are and a man can be confused as to which road to take here when it seems it's impossible to be everything she wants. The nice guys tend to take the softer stance. The issue is, the softer stance caters more to a woman's wants. The 'Bad boy' caters more to what she needs.
Let's take a look at some terms that are perceived as negative and how they translate to the dating game.
"He's an asshole": Is he really? Men get called assholes for their sarcastic nature. A beautiful woman isn't use to a man standing toe to toe with her, exuding confidence. Instead she gets the typical 'nervous behavior' exhibited by nice guys. This sacrastic nature of the 'asshole' may make the nice guy cringe but for her, she might look at this as an act of confidence, and a challenge. Here's something else that's interesting. How many highly successful business men are the prototypical 'nice guy'? Few and far in-between. Often times, they are jerks, standoffish, and opinionated. Don't believe me? Just watch an episode of the Shark Tank. That's how they got to where they are and where are they(?), living their dreams, while the nice guy is too scared to say what he needs to in order to get ahead in life and with women.
"He's selfish!" - we look at this term as a bad thing but again, how many successful people do you know that didn't put themselves first? It's a must that you prioritize your wants and needs to achieve your dreams. Nice guys can't make tough decisions that might not sit well with women. You're in a relationship, and you just got a great job offer in another state. The selfish guy is going to follow that opportunity, meanwhile the nice guy is going to put his woman's wants first. And maybe she's happy when you make that decision at first, but down the road she becomes unhappy with the stagnant lifestyle you guys live. Men need to constantly be moving, keeping things interesting.
I asked a few women if they really prefered a man who was willing to put them over his own wants, needs, and dreams and these were a few of the responses:
"No, I want a man of his word. I want a man who has vision and is working towards it. I want him to be self sufficient. I want him to put in the same effort I put in. A nice guy knows how to multitask and find balance between his obligations. Sometimes that does mean sacrifice, but not ALL of the time, for any responsibility." ~Kimberlie Nicole
"No, because then he isn't focused on meeting his goals and bettering himself. I will support his dreams and aspirations as long as it is something that empowers and uplifts him, which will empower and uplift us. I would expect the same understand and support from him" ~Lamarilus Jones
When you chase opportunity, it creates a lifestyle change, saves you from becoming resentful, it saves then from becoming bored, and that keeps you and them interested. Be driven, be a go-getter. She'll respect that about you.
"He's so neglectful" - Is he really neglectful or is he out, too busy chasing his dreams, maintaining his social life, and pursuing his purpose to make sure his happiness is taken care of. Nice guys see the girl they like and become clingy and sometimes creepy. These 'neglectful' types have a career, have hobbies, have friends, they have a workout regimen etc. They take care of themselves first because they understand that they must be happy with who they are and can't simply rely on love to do the trick.
"So called "nice guys" are rarely nice, what you usually mean by "respect" is pander to their every need and annoy the shit out of them with constant cringey texts and declarations of love after two dates, you then get jealous and insane. So called "bad boys" are not bad, they just don't put a girl on pedestal, they have hobbies, goals, careers, and more important things to do than chase some new girl they hardly know. Women see that you aren't desperate and don't need them and they are attracted to that. A guy with a idgaf attitude and a busy social life is called a "bad boy" why? is he robbing liquor stores? no, he just doesn't pander to women because they have a pussy, he's aware how easy that is to get and that abundance mentality is attractive to women." ~Rob Michaels
Most men grow up thinking that if they see the woman they want, they need to act fast and be consistent, but it's really the cool, calm, and collected nature that wins them over.
"Nice guys tend to lash out when you don't respond to their "nice" antics. "Nice" guys are actually scarier to be around than "bad" boys for this reason. They're quick to be condescending when things aren't going their way."
-Samantha Jones
Always being available can be unattractive to a woman. Truth is, she wants your company often but wants to know you're too busy out doing something with your life to always be there. That makes the time you do spend more valuable. Absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say. So pursue your purpose, and maintain an active lifestyle.
He's a 'bad boy': I know women who personally go for the edgier types. I don't think they are thinking about drive-bys and being robbed or set up, I personally think they like to know that the man they are with will stand up for himself and her. It's also a status symbol to date a man who has made a name for himself in whatever city he's in. Attention on him means attention on her. You go to work and come home every day, and you're a good man for it but there's no mystique about you. You're boring.
He's emotionally unavailable: nice guys are very open with everything. To them, the more information they give, the more they'll capture a woman's attention. I've found that the more a man talks, the more likely a woman is to place him in a box. It's better to remain a little mysterious and not give up so much information and 'bad boys' are masters at this. They come off as cold and secretive, more interested in her thoughts than going into his. 'Bad boys' are more likely to tell a woman that they aren't looking for a relationship because it comes off as them being vulnerable. Nice guys do the opposite. Not only are they looking, but they're eager to start a new life with someone. I've had my best success in the dating game when I didn't apply so much pressure on women. Instead, I lived life, met people, made friends, and some turned into more than that. It was organic.
So are bad guys really bad, and are good guys really good? I personally don't think either are necessarily true in the cases I've observed. What I do think is one prioritizes himself and the other prioritizes the woman. Ultimately, when a man prioritizes himself and his own progression, the woman benefits as well. Like most things, balance is important, as long as it doesn't compromise your own journey. Thanks for reading, and God bless.
