A Tainted View: 4 stages of the modern day relationship

Whatever happened to meeting someone who's real, being honest about who they are and maintaining who they are throughout the remainder of the relationship. Nowadays it seems everyone that's in a relationship is unhappy and everybody that's not in one wants to be in one.

But see, there's this idea in every single person's head that this fairytale relationship is easy to obtain. That because they are ready to be real with someone that finding someone that can be real should be easy. And the truth is, it's not. The truth is, the majority of relationships will go through these 4 stages that I'm going to list below.

Maybe I'm tainted by my own experiences and others close to me. Maybe I see the world through a different lense. Maybe I just call it like I see. You tell me.

                    The Dating Phase

Ah yes, two people finally meet. They spend long hours on the phone talking about interests, goals, whatever expectations they have and it just seems like there's nothing they don't have in common. He's ready to settle down with someone who's done with going out and she's telling him how she's so done with that lifestyle too and she only goes when she gets dragged out. She's telling him how she wants someone that's going to put her first, open doors, send flowers, pull out chairs and he's telling her how he's always wanted to be that guy. Perfect match, right?

They are becoming somewhat distant to their close friends and family because it's getting serious and they've longed for this feeling. They're only 3 months into the dating phase but that's all they need to see, they trust one another, it's time for the next step.

                   The Honeymoon Phase

They're 6-7 months in and they've both finally agreed to make a commitment to each other because they feel this is the next step. They're inseparable. Every weekend he's at her house or she's at his, true lovebirds. They've both introduced each other to important family and friends. Pictures on social media from every outing start to appear. It's like anything you've ever wanted. First you think about it, then you dream about it, then you try to obtain it, then you do, then you and that thing become inseparable, and then....

                   The Real Them

They're a year and a half in and although sex and physical attraction has been there it has become normal. They don't look forward to seeing each other as much because they are always around each other. She just wants company while he just wants sex. She misses her friends, he misses his. Little by little, the chairs stop being pulled out and flowers stop being sent. They both start making more plans without one another because they feel they need space. Both parties start looking for more in one another. Questions start to arise from within. Is this Foreal? Is this too good to be true? They've both been hurt before so doubt naturally sets in and once there's doubt, people pull back, sometimes unbeknownst to themselves. A feeling of fear sets in. They thought they were ready but maybe they aren't, maybe deep down they just really felt this would end up like all of the other relationships they've been in. At a dead end.

                    The Dead End

they're 2-3 years in and they are seeing each other less and less now, to the point where both feel the other might be seeing someone else. They still spend time but now it's only because they feel it's mandatory to do so to keep the other party happy and not because they want to themselves. Some days are good but more days are bad. Resentment is starting to set in because, whatever happened to that person from stage 1? Both parties feel lied to and mislead. They're arguing daily at this stage and feel it's time to cut their losses. And it is at this point where two people decide whether this is a dead end or simply a road block. Some couples have the strength, will, and desire to truly fix whatever issues they have and get to the root of whatever issues there are while others have already moved on mentally and physically. And for the people that make it past this stage... 

                       The Compromise

This is the stage where both parties finally lay their cards out and discuss their real expectations based on things they've learned throughout the relationship. 

During every relationship, you learn things about yourself and not only that, but in the first stages, you find yourself not being real with yourself or to the other party and tend to lead with things that you feel each other will agree on. You bend your standards because you're really into someone and are willing to do anything to find that true love. But is it true if it's based on deception?

 In this stage, both parties have already been through hell and back and feel they can finally be honest because there's less fear of things not working out. This type of honesty can make any bond stronger. Yes, it should have started out this way, but rarely does it.

The truth is, when people are complaing about not being in a relationship, they forget that so many relationships are formed this way. I'm not trying to scare anybody from love, just preparing them for the storm. And just like in life, after every storm, you access the damage, the probability of it continuing, and you either relocate or you rebuild. Only the strong survive....

Salute.

Wannabe

This goes out to the internet flexers, flexing for approval, be weary of the types, most are trying to fool you,

Pictures of new shoes, expensive clothes, "oh he bragging on em", flip his collar inside out, look, the tag still on em,

You ain't gotta lie Craig, there's proof, you see, for every lie you tell there's someone that knows the truth,

Sleeping at different people houses because you can't afford the cost of living, oh you shittin' on everybody but ain't got a pot to piss in,

Skipping breakfast because you're broke, ramen noodles for dinner, but here you are online Tryna prove you're a winner,

Cmon brotha, let's get it right, because what's the point of living if you ain't living right?

Be true to yourself, ask for guidance from those doing better ask how they accumulate wealth,

You can be whatever you want to be, that's for ccertain you can be someone that everybody wants to be, not some wanna be version.

I wish somebody told me, see that's why I'm so hard on you because when I look at you, I see the old me..

Salute ~J.M

Are You Ready?

You pray for a King but are you ready,

You want him, his thick skin, his long beard, his strong arms, his deep voice, but are you ready?

Are you ready to let him lead, to truly be able to take a deep breath and a step back and utter the words "he's got this, I trust him I believe in him, I support him, with him I fail and with him I succeed!"

What's yours is his, and his is yours, making his life easier is no chore, to show your love in him when he's around and miss him the minute he walks out of that door..

Say amen if you're ready..

You see, I know you've been hurt, and regaining that trust takes hard work, but please, work with us, let us be your breath of fresh air..

Let him see inside your soul, and find what troubles you, be open to his warm embrace so that he can comfort you, again, I ask are you ready?

Ready to start your journey with him as your guide, ready for a life of truths and no lies, baby, are you ready... ~J.M/Are you ready

The Transition: Moving Along

Now that I've been settled for about a month, I've been asked a lot of the same questions over and over. Here are the top 10 questions I've been asked and how I answer them.

1. Isn't Vegas too hot?

A. Yes, it's definitely hot but AC is mandatory here and you can escape the heat if it's too much. In the Bay, my place didn't have AC and was poorly insulated so we couldn't escape the heat whenever it was hot. Plus it gets cold here too.

2. Don't you miss your family when you're at work? What about your family in the Bay?

A. Yup, I sure do but I've learned that missing them isn't necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate them more now than ever. Most of her family moved here so it's worked out for her and I stay with my mom/brother when I'm in the Bay so I actually see them a lot more now.

3. Why not just move further out to Stockton or Sac?

A. Well for one, those places to me are too much of a lifestyle shift. Vegas offers plenty of things to do every weekend if I choose to and if I don't, that's fine too, plus the drive would put extra wear and tear on my vehicle which has already taken a beating from driving Lyft.

4. How long do you intend to commute? Not going to transfer?

A. Not for right now because we are new here and if we don't like it, I don't want to be committed to Vegas, I can get almost everywhere from Frisco because its a hub station, I'd much rather stay planted there that way if we end up not liking this solution long term, I'm not stressing about work. Plus I'd lose my full time and lead position most likely.

5. But isn't it risky flying standby into work?

A. No because I buy my tickets under the UA discount program. They usually run me about $34-$44 and it's confirmed seating. Beats the $60-110 a week I was spending in the Bay.

6. Why Vegas?

A. It's cheap, 1hr commute to work, and my fiance has family here.

7. Isn't Vegas in the middle of nowhere though?

A. Technically yes, but it's a city like any other city, it has everything you need and more minus  the beaches and the times we want to go to a beach, we're actually closer to the best ones California has to offer than we were in the Bay.

8. Don't you get tired of working doubles?

A. I was actually working more when I was in the Bay because I had to. I now work 2-2.5 days a week and when I'm working I'm working, it goes by fast and when I'm home im home, fully invested in the lives of our children and home life. For me, it almost feels like I'm on vacation every week.

9. What made you move in the first place?

A. After raising our rent almost $400 with 3 months notice, I began to feel like I wasn't getting the most for my money. A 2 bedroom with 5 people wasn't ideal especially for what we were paying and after talking to several coworkers, I began to entertain the idea of commuting like them. I want to repair my credit, build a nice savings, enjoy vacations without feeling financially stressed and one day own property and I had a hard time seeing myself doing any of that in the situation we were living in.

10. Any concerns?

A. Yes, I've heard that the school systems were behind California's(CA is ahead of many places) so I'm going to keep a close eye on our children's education. We have daughter's and I'm not so sure this place is ideal for raising women but hopefully good parenting can help. Also, it's easy to get sucked into the culture here and there's tons of temptation everywhere, things that could easily rip families apart if you let them. Stay grounded and keep yourself occupied is my advice.

*drops mic* no more questions please! *walks out of press conference*.

A single delimma: Baggage, and how it affects dating

Imagine walking into a dealership. You have $500 in your account and terrible credit which includes repossessions, department store defaults, evictions, and several more financial infractions. You find the nearest salesman and tell them that you like the mercades and that it's everything you've ever wanted. The salesman takes a look at your credit and says the best they can do is something in the 10k-15k range and that they have several vehicles that are in that price range. The issue is, this Mercades at 45k is not one of them. The salesman then suggests that if you want to purchase this Mercades that you need to either come up with a much larger down payment or find something more reasonable. Instead of taking this advice, you opt to go to another dealership. The problem is, This is the 10th dealership you've visited in the last two months and you're getting nowhere. You're 35, you've been through enough troublesome vehicles that have set you back and you feel you deserve this Mercades and expect these dealerships to understand.

Now I want you to imagine, that this dealership is actually a person, the mercades is all of the desirable attributes they posess, your credit is the baggage you've aquired up until that point and the cars in the 10k-15k range are the men or women you just simply do not want. Imagine that them telling you that you need to come up with a bigger down payment is them telling you that you need to work on yourself a little more or them telling you to consider something a little more reasonable cost-wise is them telling you that you need to compromise more.

Make sense?

Before I delve deeper into this topic I must say that this is only a theory and I could be way off. I'm merely speaking on what I've learned throughout experiences and studying both men and women throughout the 34 years I've lived.

Now, before a person can understand why they aren't the catch they once were we must first understand what the people that we desire, desire in us. And when we do this realistically, we determine the prime years of each sex.

I've asked several men what type of woman completed them in terms of a relationship and surprisingly(or not), very few characteristics were financially driven. Things that take years of adulthood to acquire like a college education, a house, a great career, established and outstanding credit weren't mentioned. When I asked women this same question, these things were a high priority.

This study led me to believe that the primes of men and women, or the years in which each were considered most desirable differed drastically. A person graduates high school at 18, enrolls in college for the next 4-6 years if not more and normally isn't established financially yet upon receiving their degree. So let's say 4-5 years out of college this person is ready to realistically take on a family and has a home, a car, established credit, and a nice savings. To a woman who's looking for something serious, a man truly doesn't reach the level of prime adulthood until he's close to reaching his 30's if not older.

Now here we are with a man who's got everything together at 30 and he wants a family, he wants kids, he prefers to start fresh with someone and by fresh I don't just mean kids. He wants a woman who's aquired the least amount of "baggage" as possible.

Baggage: 

• Emotional damage - someone who's been through a lot so their views on relationships and the opposite are a bit tainted by their experiences. They are closed off, hard to work with, temperamental, etc.

• Too experienced sexually - someone who's been with a lot of people. The kind you can't take anywhere without her running into someone "they know".

• Kids/baby father's/mother's - I hate referring to children as baggage but for someone who has everything together that is desirable to most, it might be just that to them.

• Financial issues - Someone that has been set back years even because of poor choices they've made throughout life which affects their progress level

Based on my own research, especially in today's age, for a man to find a woman with the most desirable characteristics to him, he has to in fact pick from a younger pool and for a woman to find a man that posseses the same, she must now date from a much older pool. This determines the prime years for a man and woman or the age in which a desirable man or woman feels the other is most desirable.

It could very well be that a woman's prime is somewhere between the ages of 21-29(prime age for body, mentality, and fertility) while a man's prime is somewhere between the ages of 30-39(prime age for mentality, financial security and still in good physical health.)

Now, in terms of women, many many MANY women I personally know do not use their prime years to establish themselves in relationships. They love the idea of being in one but often do not take it seriously enough and lose out on the more desirable men that they actually see themselves with long term. "He's too old, he's not edgy enough or he's boring, or I'm just simply not ready yet." They tend to date their own age because the relationships are less serious, with less expectations because a man who's 23 or 24 or 25 is figuring out life and really isn't worried about settling down. These relationships tend to be full of drama and start to shape a woman's views on men and the more of these relationships she ends up in the more tainted her views become. She might have a child or two and is now tired of drama and wants a solid foundation but now when she meets someone nice, these men notice that it's an uphill battle trying to get them to open up and trust.

Also, I find that women who put love on the back burner for their own education and financial stability fall out of their primes and deal with many of the same challenges as women who do for other reasons. Their mother's and father's taught them to be independent early on and now that they are successful it's become hard to find someone that's on their level that can also accept them at their age. (The exception being women who meet men while pursuing an education.). These women are generally the ones that find it the hardest to understand why it's so hard to find a man. No kids, successful, not tainted by earlier experiences in relationships, but perhaps age and a feeling of feeling rushed to find something serious in order to have a family puts unnecessary pressure on the guys she's dating.

And then last but not least, you have women who refuse to settle down during these prime years at all as they would rather frequent  clubs and bars. They are very adventurous sexually, acquiring more and more bodies on their resume until they gain a reputation for it. These women didn't value intimacy and no man who knows will take them seriously. She might have a child or multiple children from multiple men which becomes hard for a desirable man to accept.

What I've seen in men is that so many of them are in their 30's but don't feel they are where they need to be and maybe they aren't.

Maybe instead of going to college he opted to work, make a little money, get a nice bachelor pad, enjoy the freedom, and test the waters. Now he's 30+ and at an age where he should be successful but he isn't because he never took financial success seriously and the women that want something serious won't take him serious because of that.

You have the men that have never really experienced anything real with anybody.

They spent their time manipulating women(playing) and now that they have an idea of what they want, they don't know how to attain it because every experience they've had was based on how they would benefit from it. Essentially, they are entering into their prime with very little experience on how to actually treat women right.

You have the flashy guy.

 He's spent his 20's living like he's had it when he hasn't. His credit is shot, he can't progress in life because every time he tries to move forward, something from his past comes up and now being with him, you can't build a solid foundation.

Lastly, you have men that also didn't value intimacy and now have several children and sometimes with several different women.

 If he's a good father, to a woman that wants to build with him, it could be looked at as more financial responsibility than she is willing to deal with.

We now see men who have to now spend their prime years preparing instead of being prepared.

In many of these instances women and men now have a long list of what they want out of the other and feel rushed a bit to find it and all of the people that are their age who have it all just simply aren't interested past the sex.

The fix in all of this is in my opinion is compromise, not settling, but compromising. You, who doesn't have have everything together must work with the less (but not completely un)desirable men or women the same way you once expected them to do for you.

Once again, this is only a theory. Not meant to offend anybody but to perhaps open your eyes up to a different view. I'm open to gaining a new understanding from each of you on this topic.