So I'm on the train home from work, normal Saturday. 40-50 people in a space that's no bigger than your average apartment, but the only sound I hear is the sound of the wheels of the train grinding up against the train rails. Everyone's eyes facing downward as they are engulfed in their phones, texting, tweeting, facebooking, instagraming etc. But there is nothing wrong with entertaining yourself on a train full of people you've never met and don't know. But how does this affect relationships with people you do know...?
Interesting question. I don't think it is directly related to ruining relationships because I do think relationships can flourish even when social networking is in the picture. It's 2013, we all have something, whether a twitter, a Facebook or whatever else the kids are using these days, it's harder to find someone who isn't engulfed in their phone even when they are in the presence of their significant other.
But let's look at the bigger picture here. Social networking does have a profound affect on communication in a few ways, both good and bad. The good part about it is it allows you to keep in touch with people you would otherwise lose touch with like childhood friends, distant family members and such. But how does it affect a close relationship? How does it affect communication with someone you have to see everyday?
Not only does it affect communication when you are in the presence of your partner but also when you aren't in their presence. Often people would rather tweet or post a status to friends or strangers rather than entertain the person in front of them. How many times have you been at a restaurant and witnessed a couple sitting across from one another both on their phones paying no attention to one another? I've seen it plenty of times.
Before social networking was what it is today, the average couple had to communicate with each other in order to see what the other was doing or how they were feeling or if something was troubling them or made them happy throughout the day. At that time, you and others they had personal relationships with were their outlet, but now, your partner is more likely to share that information with others rather than with you. Yes, you can ask how your partner's day was but you already know how it was because it was posted. You can ask what they are doing but you already know because that was posted as well. I've seen posts from people in relationships telling the world that they are "horny". Well, shouldn't you be communicating that to your partner? Did you? Sometimes, couples try to bait each other by expressing their feelings or needs online instead of approaching one another. An example of that is when your significant other starts off a post with "who wants to..........?" When the activity clearly warrants the opposite sex to answer. They aren't really interested in anybody else answering though, they want their partner to see it and respond. You couldn't just ask them that?
Remember the days where if you had an issue in your relationship, you approached your partner to work it out? It seems like that was so long ago. Now people are more likely to take their issues with their partner to a social network, sometimes even before their significant other knows that there is a problem. Involving the world in personal issues with your significant other will only do more harm than good. A large % of the people that see that you two have issues are happy you have them. Always communicate with each other.
Another reason why I think it hurts relationships is it disrupts the ability to miss your significant other. I mean, how can you possibly miss someone when every time you log in to your account you see them posting their thoughts? The ability to miss each other throughout a day is actually very healthy to a relationship because it allows you to "reboot your feelings". Like eating or exercising, you need a break at some point. Catch up with each other on your lunch break, then when you get off of work, again. Oh yea, you don't have to "catch up" because you know everything your significant other did throughout an entire 24 hour period without them uttering one word to you about it. But you'll just act like you didn't see any of it just to create conversation. We've all done it. (Their post): "got the job!". (You ask hours later): "babe, you get the job?", Already knowing they did. Whelp.
But what kind of psychological affect does that have? How do you feel personally if your significant other is ready to share things with everyone before they share them on a personal level with you? I'm no rocket scientist but I can imagine it would make you feel a bit unimportant. I could be wrong though. As friends FIRST and then lovers, we want to be the first to know about things, to feel important or more important than someone they don't know from a can of paint. You're their emotional rock, you should know what's troubling your significant other or why they are all of a sudden "in a great mood".
One thing that I'm sure affects a lot of people is instances where they haven't talked to their significant other in hours yet they've seen tons of posts in between that time. They haven't thought about you once? Here they are laughing it up with everyone of the same and opposite sex and there you are just waiting for them to think about you enough to text or call. I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual, too. You're both twiddling your thumbs waiting on the other person to text or call or even use the social platform to make contact but do they need to? They have enough people to occupy their time if you choose not to. If you have enough friends and family on Facebook or followers on twitter and Instagram, no question goes unanswered, and no photo goes without comment. So essentially, you're happy with not communicating if the other party doesn't make the move, first. It doesn't help at all that when you finally do reach out to your significant other, they are so involved in their social networking, your texts are often ignored or just simply not seen. That can ruin your day.
One of the leading causes for "online drama" is flirting with the opposite sex while in a relationship. There is no standard for disrespect, that's all up to the couple involved and the standards that they have set when it comes to social networking and their relationship. If your significant other is uncomfortable with you flirting online, the simple fix would be to stop. If it was only that simple, though. The issue with that is, for starters, in today's age a lot of relationships stem from online dating and that flirtatious nature is usually what draws one person to another but now that you're in a relationship with this person you're demanding that it stops and that can be difficult to do if their "online personality" consists of flirting and heavy communication with the opposite sex. Essentially, if they put an end to flirting, they become less and less social. It's a catch 22 because the things that drew you to a person that you loved so much about them now irks you because it also draws in the opposite sex. Although true, when your relationship status changes, some personal habits must change as well for your relationship to stay afloat.
A lot of people tend to separate social media from real life, "it's just twitter..". No, it's not. You met each other using the same exact methods you are using with others while in a relationship. It wasn't "just twitter" then, it's not just twitter now. Knowing that can make a person very uncomfortable when it comes to flirting online. Very few people ever learn to separate the two. We use these platforms for entertainment purposes but they can become very real very quick and your relationship is a living testament to that.
There is no simple solution to solving the issues regarding relationships and social networking especially if your significant other is a heavy user. I would recommend filtering out your significant other a little. Create groups or lists that include your favorite people that you can read without seeing your partner. Now that does not excuse flirting. Flirting should not be tolerated, if that is a standard that you have, stick by it and if they aren't willing to work at the relationship, why are you working so hard to keep it? Share your innermost feelings with you partner, first. Keep them involved with things that have happened or things that you plan on doing. Social networks should get that information second. And yes sadly, some information shouldn't be shared at all, have a filter. Men and women expressing how good their "sex game" is or women mentioning how big their breasts or booty is, men their penises, is probably not something you should want to share with the world. If you're not getting the attention you'd like or being complimented enough, and are using a social network to fill the void, communicate that to them, give them a chance to change.
Have fun, be social, but not at the expense of your relationship. If Whatever method you choose helps your relationship grow, I'm sure your partner will understand or at least they should. Don't let social networking outlast your relationship...
Be great.
(These are just the opinions of one man and not to be taken as facts. Read with your own discretion.)
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