I'm Not Your Mother

It's 7pm, you just got home from a long day of work and you didn't get a chance to eat much. Your nails are dirty and chipped from the wear and tear of manual labor, not to mention your back is killing you.

You walk into the house and your wife is relaxing on the couch watching the newest episode of Love & Hip Hop. You walk into the kitchen, and there's nothing cooked to eat so you take some food out that you can prepare after you take your shower. After your shower, you proceed to not only make yourself something, but her as well. Later on that night, you're both laying in bed, and she notices you're bothered so she asks "what's wrong?". You tell her that you're just very tired after working long hours and was a little upset that there was nothing prepared to eat when you got home. She responds that she's has to work as well and just wanted to relax. But then she utters those dreadful words "you know, I'm not your mother!".

This topic has always been interesting to me because as a young man growing up, I was definitely accustomed to a certain lifestyle. My mother didn't want us in the kitchen, everyday she worked tirelessly to make sure we didn't need for anything. If we were hungry, she cooked. If we were feeling sick, she took care of us, wrapped us tight in blankets and proceeded to check on us every so often to make sure we were okay. If we needed words of encouragement, she was right there, consoling us, sharing uplifting words to get us out of whatever mental funk we were in. And now as an adult, and ready for a wife, I can't rely on my mother to do those things any longer nor was I conditioned to do them day in and day out. Sure, I've learned to do them for survival, but nothing beats being appreciated for being the man who works hard, provides, leads, and protects, by the one you're sharing your life with.

(I must state first and foremost that I'm a conservative thinker. So when a woman thinks that a man's role is to simply work, that's inaccurate to me. For instance, in a situation where I'm working 70 hours and she's working 30-40, it's not an even scale. Also, if the man is bringing home significantly more than the woman, it's also not an even scale. If a woman wants to simply use the idea that she works as much as the man, all things must line up fair enough for her to assume the role of provider if the man was to lose his job or get hurt. Think of it like this, if both parties work the same amount of hours and make the same amount of money and both parties cook but the man makes top ramen and hot dogs for dinner while the woman makes 4 course meals on her nights. The woman might feel as if he's not pulling his weight unless he's pulling his weight in another area.

 Women have a tendency live a lifestyle based on a joint income and not a sole income, this is why the breadwinner in the relationship is still looked at as the provider. Men on average statistically save more and invest more so when a man gets a new job or new position at work, he's more likely to think how much he can save and invest while a woman is thinking about how they can upgrade their lifestyle.

As a conservative thinker, I must position myself to take care of myself and my household. I'm not fulfilled when I need a woman's income to survive. If she wants to work then that is her choice but she will know that her working is not part of the deal when it comes to me. I need a partner, and if my job is to protect, lead, provide, do the heavy lifting, take care of the house cosmetically etc etc, the perfect partnership doesn't come from me wanting someone that does the same things, it comes from me wanting someone who compliments the things I need outside of the things I already do. A man cannot ask a woman that works as much as he does to bare the brunt of the burden in the household which is why I've cooked and cleaned just as much as the women I was involved with.

What women don't understand in this, is how this element of "we both work" has made many relationships feel like roomating. Sure, you can hire a chef or house cleaning service, but what happened to feeling special and appreciated in a relationship? How would women feel if the man never brought home gifts, flowers, or told her she was beautiful, told her he was appreciative of her, or plannrd dates and trips, because of "I work too, so It should be 50/50"?

Fact of the matter is, men have certain things they need in order to feel special just like women. Not all men are conservative like me but the point is, we must get back to finding what things make each other feel special and not strictly rely on services to meet those needs but on each other to build a connection through them.)

As a father of a beautiful daughter, I may not be as consoling, I may not be as sensitive, or uplifting with a kinder approach, although I try. What I'm good at is making sure that my daughter feels safe, making sure financially she's taking care of, and being an overall example of what a man should be. And when that day comes when she's dating and a young man approaches me for her hand in marriage, I am essentially handing over that responsibility to him. He's not me, and cannot be me, but it is important to know that I didn't condition her to be me either, I conditioned her to know what to look for by being an example of that, to ensure that she would never have to worry about having being me.

So is it that far fetched for a man to look for a woman that can carry that torch as well? Especially if he's carrying the torch your father once carried?

Mothers coddle their sons because they know that no one is going to love them like they can and in this day in age where a lot of mothers are doing it by themselves or at least doing the brunt of the work raising children, men are more dependant on their mothers love than ever.

So fast forward, years later, when he's left the nest and is looking for a wife but is running into the kind of road blocks a lot of men are in this independent driven dating scene, he must ask, "is it worth it?". If he has to build for himself as a man and also carry his mother's torch for himself, what's the purpose of having a partner? After all, a partner's purpose should be to make things easier, no? And if we we're taught from our father's to work hard, provide, lead, and protect, it becomes a clash to partner up with someone who only offers the same things. Am I asking for women to be less driven? No. What I'm saying is it might be more beneficial long term to his fullfilment to understand the lifestyle he was accustomed to before you.

All in all, we don't need you to be our mother, we have one, but it would be nice to feel appreciated in the manner we grew up appreciating, ourselves. I'm just saying.

Let me know what you think.

Cheat Codes

So you met someone, you guys spent a few weeks talking over the phone and finally agree to go out to dinner. Things are going well and they ask you something along the lines of "so what are you looking for in a person?". Without hesitation, you proceed to go into this long list of characteristics you're seeking in a mate. And it seems like every characteristic you mention, this person seems to be in agreement with you on. The situation seems perfect and you believe you've found the one.

But now, a few months go by and you notice something, that although this person is trying to be what you need, it seems to be a bit of a struggle which is unexpected for someone who gave you the impression that they were naturally the person you were looking for. They are trying and you give them credit for that, however deep down, you know this is a recipe for disaster and here you are thinking you're wasting your time with the wrong one.

Dating should be the stage where you are both figuring each other out, but if someone is interested in you for whatever reason and you're giving that person the game plan to making you happy, you're essentially letting them off of the hook as it pertains to showing you who they are. You want someone who's genuine, who can be themselves, who makes you happy effortlessly, but in an effort to win you over, people tend to be something they are not and as time goes by you start to find out the real them.

People have become so focussed on not wasting time that they don't spent much time getting to know one another. Dating has become simplistic. "Im looking for this, what are you looking for?" We're either a perfect match or not and we are either going to move on from each other or move forward based on what's said. Things are rushed, less genuine, and far less organic that way. I'm much more interested in your actions than I am your intentions so it's become almost pointless to make a decision based on a few conversations. Show me who you are and I'll show you who I am.

I'm no longer into changing people, I'd rather meet people who embody what I'm looking for, naturally. When people have to change who they are to make you happy, it often leaves them unhappy and that can make for a toxic relationship in the end. Ultimately, there's really only one way to protect yourself from the disingenuous nature of certain individuals you come across.

So let's rewind back a few months, to that very first date and they ask "so what are you looking for in a person?". I simply say, "honestly, someone who can be themselves around me, who I'm happy with while they are being themselves. I look forward to getting to know you better." This sets the tone that you're not going to give them the game plan to make you happy, and that they will have no choice but to be genuine and figure out if there is any true compatibility.

We're all trying to win, but it might really be a losing proposition to give someone the cheat codes to winning you over. I'm just saying.

Let me know what you think.