Shacking Up: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.

[Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing.] -New York Times Magazine

Your relationship is going perfect. The lines of communication are there, the sex is great, you're going out once a week and enjoying life with each other and now you're ready to move in to take on a new challenge. To you, it's the next step, you're probably at each other's houses a lot already and think that if you just continue to do what you've been doing that living together shouldn't be that much harder. In most cases you are probably very wrong. 

                    "The Good"

Living with your partner can be a great experience. I've done this twice in my life and there were definitely some good aspects to it if you are ready to take on that kind of challenge in your relationship. 

"I love the teamwork. Split chores, cooking, etc. sex is always available. You get to learn exactly who a person is." Anonymous/male

 I think living together is necessary before marriage because you never really know a person until you have to wake up to them on a daily basis. I think a lot of marriages fail because two people take that step without fully knowing the individual they are taking it with and that could be because they rushed things or because they skipped this crucial stage in their relationship. It's natural for us to "shade" our less desirable traits and showcase our desirable ones but the more time you spend around someone, they naturally become comfortable enough around you to be themselves and let both desirable and undesireable traits shine through and that can give you a fair estimate of who you are dealing with if you are in it for the long haul. 

"What I love about living with a s/o is that they are always around and we can share a lot of private moments together. I also feel a sense of security." -@teishbaby/twitter

Like the Comcast slogan, "more is better". What's better than going to sleep next to and waking up next to the person you love everyday? You love sex? Now you have access to it on a daily basis, you love your partner's cooking? Well now you get to enjoy it more often. You love to be in the presence of your partner? you see them everyday now. 

For a single parent, if your partner has a child or if you both have children, living together can help stengthen the bond that you have with them and them with you. In a lot of cases, when living separate, the time that is shared between couples is shared without children involved and even if there are outings that involve the children, they aren't consistent enough to really build a strong enough bond with them. Living together allows that bond to grow. It can also lighten the load on a single parent to have that extra help around he house for their child(ren).

"I love coming home to them after a long/stressful day. Love
Constant companionship and
Sleeping in the same bed together/waking up together and also
Sharing expenses" -@stevetwerkel/twitter

With today's economy, it can become very hard to make it on your own so having someone in the household to share some of the financial burden with you really helps. Even better that this is someone you are in a relationship with so you are able to share the same space with them as opposed to living in separate rooms such as a roommate would do where you'd ultimately be paying for a bigger place. This allows it to be much cheaper for you than if you and your partner were living separately and that frees up money to do the things you guys love. 

                 "The Bad"

[The Census reports a 72 percent increase in the number of cohabiting couples since 1990. Unfortunately, research shows that cohabitation is correlated with greater likelihood of unhappiness. Cohabiting couples report lower levels of satisfaction in the relationship than married couples and if a cohabiting couple ultimately marries, they tend to report lower levels of marital satisfaction and a higher propensity to divorce.] -Jennifer Roback Morse/Focus On The Families

You know the old saying, "why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free?". Although living together for this "test run" or "trial period" with no expectations seems more fun, I believe that couples who move in together with a plan for marriage or that are engaged will ultimately be more successful in getting married.  

With each step in a relationship, expectations raise and new elements are presented. So when going from something that is more "fun-based" to something that requires you to be responsible and serious-minded, often the dynamic in the relationship changes and people are blindsided by things they didn't know about their significant other, some good, some bad. Think about it, when you don't live together and you spend time, every moment seems perfect because it's made to be that way. Every moment you spend together has a purpose even if that purpose is merely to be in each other's presence. You guys made the effort to contact each other, to set plans, and to make whatever limited time you have together, memorable. When you meet up, you are more accustomed to seeing each other at your best because you've had time to prepare and make sure you are "done up" to impress each other. Financially, your significant other has no idea how you are doing, the only thing they know is that you have enough money to front the bill when needed and that you haven't mentioned that there were any financial issues. It's not their business anyways, right?

 

Everything is magnified, the things you've gotten accustomed to, become more of a daily expectation. Something that may have only been done a few times per week may now be expected 7 days between two people. Maybe your partner cooked a few times per week when you came over but now you're there every night and what if they aren't used to cooking that much? You might have had sex a few times per week but now your partner is there everyday and wants it daily. Can you handle that? Remember the days when everytime you saw your significant other they looked their best? Whelp, break out the headscarfs, durags, bball shorts, retainers etc etc. Living separate allows you to miss someone more so the times you do see each other are more special, you tend to create plans more, to try and make each other feel special a little more. When you live with someone, you have to get use to seeing them every single day. Remember when every time you had free time, you made an effort to see each other? The reality of seeing each other every single day can be so tough on couples that now they do everything possible to get away from each other when their schedules are cleared. Small things get on your nerves, maybe he leaves the toilet seat up or he's messy, maybe she talks on the phone gossiping all day. Maybe the roles in the house aren't clear and things don't get done on a consistent basis so dinner isn't made and the house isn't clean consistently. 

"What I dislike is if we live together and are at odds, we can't really get away from each other. There's usually no real sense of privacy and you can lose yourself and lose track of friends by spending so much time inside the house." -@teishbaby/twitter

It's very easy to lose yourself when living with your partner. One can become overly considerate and forget about the things they like to do and find themselves in a very dependent state even when that person isn't around. You find yourselves always in the same room, watching the same things on television even if it's not something you particularly like.

"I can't stand the bullsh*t tv shows she watches when I'm home" -B. Jenkins/Facebook

As funny as that statement is, it's true in a lot of cases where both parties share the same space. 

Personal friendships, although loss of communication can be due to the mere fact that you're in a relationship, living together can make it far worse. 

"I feel like we don't talk as much as we use to throughout the day. Seems we go from morning until late afternoon before we speak but before we started living together, we'd talk all day and night." -J.W/Facebook

Communication is something that often takes a HUGE hit when you live with your partner. Remember when you lived seperately and you'd wake up to good morning texts and talk all throughout the day? Now you're more likely to say good morning in person and then go on about your day to not see or hear from your partner until you come home. And that's fine because you live together and can catch up later on how your day was, however that's not what your relationship was built on. It was built on steady communication and that's part of what made you feel special.

 There should be some level of accountability that comes with living together. When living separate, a person is less likely to "check in" and communicate where they are or when they are coming home but in a relationship where you and your partner live with one another, it should be the standard. Think about it, if you're off at 6pm and your significant other is off at 530pm and you head straight home so that you can see their face after a long days work but they don't show up until 8-9pm without communicating why to you, that has a whole new affect than it does when you live separate. Be accountable and communicate when your schedule changes.

"We definitely don't do go out as much together like dates and things. That definitely took a hit." -I.B/Facebook

 

Living together takes patience and constant remembrance of what it took for you both to get to that point. A lot of couples drop the ball once they start shacking up and it's very easy to because of the level of comfort you have. You both stop doing the little things that you use to do, stop going out as much. Seeing each other is less special because you see each other everyday as opposed to a few days per week. The relationship starts to become more about responsibility than about having "fun". 

 When living separate, the only thing that bonds two people are the love that they have for each other in most cases but once you shack up and start sharing finances, things like leases and contracts create a bond as well. Some people will take advantage of that and become lazy because "you aren't going anywhere."  

                    "The Ugly"

There is definitely an ugly aspect to living  together and this stage usually comes when you've fallen out of love with a person yet you still have financial obligations at the residence. If you have months left on a lease, you could be stuck in that situation for the duration of that lease, atleast financially. 

"Break ups have more of an impact – how do you divide stuff? -@Stevetwerkel/twitter

 

If having to share the same space with someone you can't stand isn't bad enough, questions about who takes what furniture, appliances, electronics, and dishes etc when you split if you've both contributed evenly to everything also complicates things. 

 Another bad aspect to splitting is if there are children involved. If your child or their child has grown a strong bond with you or yours with them, that affects them too and children don't always understand why things didn't work out but only that a big part of their life is no longer there. 

"After me and my gf split, life wasn't as grand as I thought it would be. Lost track of friends, had to retrain myself to be independent once again. Plus it was more expensive living on my own." -J.W/Facebook

If you've lost yourself while living with a person, going back on your own will be a major adjustment. Things you were use to doing when you were on your own but stopped doing or doing as much will become brand new again. Also, reconnecting with friends in the same capacity as before you moved together can be a hassle if you've lost track of them. 

                    "The Fix"

Nothing is an exact science, some couples just don't have that kind of chemistry with one another that will last over time. It's like "chemical combustion" if you've studied science. Some chemicals don't react as bad if the exposure to each other isn't long but the longer each chemical is exposed to one another, the bigger the reaction. 

"All of the quirks work both ways, women don't like the peepee ring on the bottom of the toilet, we watch dumb stuff on TV, they don't clean house like we do, we take too long in the bathroom.. .its all silly stuff that falls under compromise. Focus on the beauty of the relationship instead." -Lisa Roston

It takes tons of compromise, balance, communication, teamwork as well as a willingness to take on new challenges to successfully live with someone. 

1. Compromise: Compromise is necessary because you have to be willing to do things that you aren't accustomed to doing and sharing certain responsibilities so that your partner isn't overwhelmed with them. Things like learning how to cook and cleaning up after yourself will go a long way in making your partner happy. You also have to be willing to let your partner have a life outside of you. As long as having a life doesn't interfere with the rules of the relationship, there shouldn't be an issue. You both don't always have to be in the same room doing the exact same thing. It's not always about you. 

2. Balance: Balance is important because although you may have a green light to do the things you like, don't over do them. While you're spending all day doing what you love to do, your significant other is thinking about what life could be like if they had someone who cared enough to be considerate of their feelings. Find that necessary balance.

3. Teamwork: Society has this belief that certain genders must stick to certain roles in the household even if the individuals involved don't favor those standards. Trying to make someone something they are not can be disastrous. Imagine you're starting a basketball team, most novice coaches will take the smallest guy and make him the guard and the tallest guy and make him the center without understanding how these players play. The experienced coach will find each players strong points and weak points and fit them into their best positions. The same thing must be done in the household. For example, if one of you actually likes cooking, and the other doesn't mind handling the dishes, then assume the roles that fit best, man or woman, and compliment the other. 

4. Communication: Just because you live together and see each other everyday doesn't mean the lines of communication should stop outside of the household. Whatever you guys were doing before you started living together should continue after. That's how the relationship stays young. Communicate changes in your schedule and other miscellaneous things regarding the household to your partner. 

Keep things fresh, don't succumb to what's inevitable in most situations like these. Go on dates, go on outings, look and dress nice, take care of home first and then take care of yourself. Take time away from each other every so often. And remember, going to your partner and asking if you can go out this weekend with friends is a much easier pill to swallow if you make them a priority in plans outside of the house on most occasions. Be responsible but don't let responsibility be the foundation of your relationship. 

It's all about working together and not working against each other because the perfect teamwork can lead to only one thing... championship! 

Be great guys and thanks for reading...