Sunday, June 9, 2013

Trust & Insecurity


What's the difference between the two? Well, I like to simplify things a bit in order to recognize if it's a trust issue or an insecurity issue.

 A trust issue to me, is the lack of confidence in a person's abilities based on factual evidence. (For example: I don't trust you borrowing money from me because I've given you money before and you didn't pay me back.). Trust usually doesn't have a whole lot to do with a person's internal struggles as much as it does with external struggles, things they see, hear, feel. There are people who don't trust others for a number of different reasons, some justified, some not but a real trust issue should only be based on fact. If a person does not trust you and has no factual evidence as to why, that's more so an insecurity issue. 

Insecurity is the lack of confidence a person has in themselves. They aren't confident that they are good enough so they mask it as a "trust thing". (For example: you've never seen your significant other act inappropriate with the opposite sex yet you accuse them of doing so because you feel they are in need of something you can't give or aren't giving). 


We live in a time now where guys are taking pride in "taking down" other guys' women. The same people that are smiling in your face are plotting to get some of what you have. Fellas, if your lady looks great to you, you can imagine that she looks great to others as well. Vultures are constantly on the hunt for fresh blood and you and your significant other are the prey. Women too, not that they find the same joy in "taking down" someone else's man but more so because "good men" are very rare and most of them are taken so if you have one, just imagine how many other women want what you have. Because of this, being in a relationship has become very stressful if you aren't open with each other. Being open makes it easy to trust one another. If someone who you know approached your significant other, are they more likely to share that information or keep it to themselves? Is their life an open or closed book, are there passwords on everything? Do you feel like there are secrets? Not knowing the truth about a person because they aren't open can make it VERY hard to trust them, rightfully so. Remember, trust is triggered by something so a locked device, too much time spent on the phone and poor communication can be seen as red flags. If a person "moves funny" then there is probably funny business going on and you can never let your guard down in that situation. 

Sometimes a person is very open with their life and they seem to still get accused of not being trustworthy and in those instances there is nothing you can do because they are dealing with an internal struggle that you have nothing to do with. The insecure person needs to come to terms with the things that they are insecure about and work on them. You may be insecure because you are out of shape, you may not be bringing in enough money or, you don't feel like you are as attractive as others or maybe because you don't think your attraction level meets that of your significant other so you take it out on them without any real proof that they have broken the trust you both have. In one way or another, a person feels that their significant other isnt happy and is going to seek happiness elsewhere. Are you doing everything in your power to make them happy, physically mentally, financially? If you're treating your significant other badly then you will probably assume that they are seeking happiness elsewhere. It's no way to live worrying about where your significant other is or who they are with when they aren't with you. The best way to protect yourself from that is to build your own confidence by becoming the "best you" that you can be. You're not in shape? Work out. Need more money? Work more. Don't feel you're attractive enough? Maybe a slight makeover can help that cause, a new wardrobe, hairstyle. Don't feel like you are treating your significant other the way they should be treated? Treat... Them... Better... Simple right? Always remember, they are with you so regardless of what you may think, they made that choice when they didn't have to so those enhancements to your current situation or character can really do justice with the internal struggles you may have. 

I'm a firm believer that trust should be earned and not given and that there are different levels of trust the more mature your relationship becomes. When only dating, although you should look for signs that a person is trustworthy, you aren't necessarily able to hold them to any particular standard because they are free to see and talk to who they please. However, when entering into a relationship, that "baggage" is often brought along and I do think it's natural to become curious as to how your newly-made significant other handles certain situations. Think of yourself as an employer and them as the employee. Sure, their résumé looks nice, they showed up to the interview dressed well and on time, they've passed all of the pre-hire tests so you offer them the job. Well now, they have to be on time everyday, dress presentable, and put all of those tools they had listed in their résumé to work. Now are you, an employer with a company that you've poured your heart and soul into, more willing to trust them from jump, or will you monitor them to see how well they are doing? Most employers will indeed monitor you for a certain amount of time listed as the "probationary period". Well, relationships have this probationary period as well. Once you ever into a relationship, expectations raise. You are an investment of someone's time, emotional energy, effort, and future so try not to confuse their lack of overal trust in the beginning stages as insecurity. If the person isn't insecure, after seeing you know how to handle yourself in certain situations, I'm sure they will back off until your relationship reaches a new level of maturity to where expectations raise again. 


In certain instances, a person will make it very hard to be trusted even though they aren't necessarily stepping outside their relationship. Below I will list some of the things that I do think make it hard to trust an individual:

1. If someone is always on their phone in your presence - It's natural to wonder who it is they are communicating with. If you don't have their attention then who does?

2. They're often out at clubs or bars mingling with the opposite sex often never inviting you or choosing to spend time with you - Why don't they invite you if this is an innocent outting or why not make different plans where they can include you?

3. Flirting with the opposite sex on any platform - self explanatory. Definite no no. 

4. Having several heavily active friendships with the opposite sex, especially if your significant other does not know these friends - Active meaning hanging out alot. Maintaining friendships via phone is ok in my opinion.

5. Maintaining friendships with people you've been intimate with - In most cases, these friendships should become distant ones once you enter into a relationship.

6. Locking phones/refusing to give out the password - A person is going to wonder "what's there to hide" if you're suppose to be genuine. If the lock isn't intended to keep your significant other out, then giving them a password shouldn't be an issue.

7. Poor communication - if the communication is bad especially when you're both away from each other, it's natural for a person who's invested in you to wonder who you are communicating with throughout the day if it isn't with them. 

8. Drastic changes in intimacy resulting in less activity - well if you and your s/o go from having sex 7 days a week to once a week it can cause one to be curious as to why your sex drive has decreased tremendously. 

9. Lying - if you are a dishonest person then this will for sure have someone questioning the trust they have for you. If you lie about something small, you will definitely lie about something big. 

10. Seeking too much attention in the opposite sex - why can't the attention of your significant other be enough? If you are setting "thirst traps" everywhere to get reactions, reassurance, and compliments from others, I'd have to question if you'll ever be satisfied completely. (Given that your s/o does a good job at doing these things.)

11. Entertaining disrespect of your relationship - if someone is openly disrespecting your relationship, whether friend or foe, and you laugh it off as if it's okay then one can only imagine what happens behind closed doors. Shutting down others openly builds trust. 

These are triggers that can make it hard to be trusted. If these things are going on in your relationship and you are blaming your significant other's "lack of trust" in you as insecurity then you are deflecting the real issue which is you. 

Once trust is broken, it's very hard to get back but not impossible depending on what the cause for broken trust was. 
 
"a relationship is based solely on trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing." ~ @KnockTheBoot[twitter]


Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it, a relationship can become extremely stressful if you are emotionally invested. Make yourself easy to be trusted, be open with everything, communicate, value each others time, make time for each other, compliment/reassure each other instead of looking outside of the relationship for that. 

Keeping your eyes open and looking for problems in your relationship aren't the same thing. Keep your eyes open, stop looking, though. I hate the phrase "if you go looking you will find what you're looking for..". If there is nothing to find, you won't find anything. However, a person who is constantly feeling like there is something going on, will never be at peace. 

Relationships shouldn't be just another burden in life, they should make life's burdens easier to deal with. Make it easy. 

Be great.