Shacking Up: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.

[Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing.] -New York Times Magazine

Your relationship is going perfect. The lines of communication are there, the sex is great, you're going out once a week and enjoying life with each other and now you're ready to move in to take on a new challenge. To you, it's the next step, you're probably at each other's houses a lot already and think that if you just continue to do what you've been doing that living together shouldn't be that much harder. In most cases you are probably very wrong. 

                    "The Good"

Living with your partner can be a great experience. I've done this twice in my life and there were definitely some good aspects to it if you are ready to take on that kind of challenge in your relationship. 

"I love the teamwork. Split chores, cooking, etc. sex is always available. You get to learn exactly who a person is." Anonymous/male

 I think living together is necessary before marriage because you never really know a person until you have to wake up to them on a daily basis. I think a lot of marriages fail because two people take that step without fully knowing the individual they are taking it with and that could be because they rushed things or because they skipped this crucial stage in their relationship. It's natural for us to "shade" our less desirable traits and showcase our desirable ones but the more time you spend around someone, they naturally become comfortable enough around you to be themselves and let both desirable and undesireable traits shine through and that can give you a fair estimate of who you are dealing with if you are in it for the long haul. 

"What I love about living with a s/o is that they are always around and we can share a lot of private moments together. I also feel a sense of security." -@teishbaby/twitter

Like the Comcast slogan, "more is better". What's better than going to sleep next to and waking up next to the person you love everyday? You love sex? Now you have access to it on a daily basis, you love your partner's cooking? Well now you get to enjoy it more often. You love to be in the presence of your partner? you see them everyday now. 

For a single parent, if your partner has a child or if you both have children, living together can help stengthen the bond that you have with them and them with you. In a lot of cases, when living separate, the time that is shared between couples is shared without children involved and even if there are outings that involve the children, they aren't consistent enough to really build a strong enough bond with them. Living together allows that bond to grow. It can also lighten the load on a single parent to have that extra help around he house for their child(ren).

"I love coming home to them after a long/stressful day. Love
Constant companionship and
Sleeping in the same bed together/waking up together and also
Sharing expenses" -@stevetwerkel/twitter

With today's economy, it can become very hard to make it on your own so having someone in the household to share some of the financial burden with you really helps. Even better that this is someone you are in a relationship with so you are able to share the same space with them as opposed to living in separate rooms such as a roommate would do where you'd ultimately be paying for a bigger place. This allows it to be much cheaper for you than if you and your partner were living separately and that frees up money to do the things you guys love. 

                 "The Bad"

[The Census reports a 72 percent increase in the number of cohabiting couples since 1990. Unfortunately, research shows that cohabitation is correlated with greater likelihood of unhappiness. Cohabiting couples report lower levels of satisfaction in the relationship than married couples and if a cohabiting couple ultimately marries, they tend to report lower levels of marital satisfaction and a higher propensity to divorce.] -Jennifer Roback Morse/Focus On The Families

You know the old saying, "why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free?". Although living together for this "test run" or "trial period" with no expectations seems more fun, I believe that couples who move in together with a plan for marriage or that are engaged will ultimately be more successful in getting married.  

With each step in a relationship, expectations raise and new elements are presented. So when going from something that is more "fun-based" to something that requires you to be responsible and serious-minded, often the dynamic in the relationship changes and people are blindsided by things they didn't know about their significant other, some good, some bad. Think about it, when you don't live together and you spend time, every moment seems perfect because it's made to be that way. Every moment you spend together has a purpose even if that purpose is merely to be in each other's presence. You guys made the effort to contact each other, to set plans, and to make whatever limited time you have together, memorable. When you meet up, you are more accustomed to seeing each other at your best because you've had time to prepare and make sure you are "done up" to impress each other. Financially, your significant other has no idea how you are doing, the only thing they know is that you have enough money to front the bill when needed and that you haven't mentioned that there were any financial issues. It's not their business anyways, right?

 

Everything is magnified, the things you've gotten accustomed to, become more of a daily expectation. Something that may have only been done a few times per week may now be expected 7 days between two people. Maybe your partner cooked a few times per week when you came over but now you're there every night and what if they aren't used to cooking that much? You might have had sex a few times per week but now your partner is there everyday and wants it daily. Can you handle that? Remember the days when everytime you saw your significant other they looked their best? Whelp, break out the headscarfs, durags, bball shorts, retainers etc etc. Living separate allows you to miss someone more so the times you do see each other are more special, you tend to create plans more, to try and make each other feel special a little more. When you live with someone, you have to get use to seeing them every single day. Remember when every time you had free time, you made an effort to see each other? The reality of seeing each other every single day can be so tough on couples that now they do everything possible to get away from each other when their schedules are cleared. Small things get on your nerves, maybe he leaves the toilet seat up or he's messy, maybe she talks on the phone gossiping all day. Maybe the roles in the house aren't clear and things don't get done on a consistent basis so dinner isn't made and the house isn't clean consistently. 

"What I dislike is if we live together and are at odds, we can't really get away from each other. There's usually no real sense of privacy and you can lose yourself and lose track of friends by spending so much time inside the house." -@teishbaby/twitter

It's very easy to lose yourself when living with your partner. One can become overly considerate and forget about the things they like to do and find themselves in a very dependent state even when that person isn't around. You find yourselves always in the same room, watching the same things on television even if it's not something you particularly like.

"I can't stand the bullsh*t tv shows she watches when I'm home" -B. Jenkins/Facebook

As funny as that statement is, it's true in a lot of cases where both parties share the same space. 

Personal friendships, although loss of communication can be due to the mere fact that you're in a relationship, living together can make it far worse. 

"I feel like we don't talk as much as we use to throughout the day. Seems we go from morning until late afternoon before we speak but before we started living together, we'd talk all day and night." -J.W/Facebook

Communication is something that often takes a HUGE hit when you live with your partner. Remember when you lived seperately and you'd wake up to good morning texts and talk all throughout the day? Now you're more likely to say good morning in person and then go on about your day to not see or hear from your partner until you come home. And that's fine because you live together and can catch up later on how your day was, however that's not what your relationship was built on. It was built on steady communication and that's part of what made you feel special.

 There should be some level of accountability that comes with living together. When living separate, a person is less likely to "check in" and communicate where they are or when they are coming home but in a relationship where you and your partner live with one another, it should be the standard. Think about it, if you're off at 6pm and your significant other is off at 530pm and you head straight home so that you can see their face after a long days work but they don't show up until 8-9pm without communicating why to you, that has a whole new affect than it does when you live separate. Be accountable and communicate when your schedule changes.

"We definitely don't do go out as much together like dates and things. That definitely took a hit." -I.B/Facebook

 

Living together takes patience and constant remembrance of what it took for you both to get to that point. A lot of couples drop the ball once they start shacking up and it's very easy to because of the level of comfort you have. You both stop doing the little things that you use to do, stop going out as much. Seeing each other is less special because you see each other everyday as opposed to a few days per week. The relationship starts to become more about responsibility than about having "fun". 

 When living separate, the only thing that bonds two people are the love that they have for each other in most cases but once you shack up and start sharing finances, things like leases and contracts create a bond as well. Some people will take advantage of that and become lazy because "you aren't going anywhere."  

                    "The Ugly"

There is definitely an ugly aspect to living  together and this stage usually comes when you've fallen out of love with a person yet you still have financial obligations at the residence. If you have months left on a lease, you could be stuck in that situation for the duration of that lease, atleast financially. 

"Break ups have more of an impact – how do you divide stuff? -@Stevetwerkel/twitter

 

If having to share the same space with someone you can't stand isn't bad enough, questions about who takes what furniture, appliances, electronics, and dishes etc when you split if you've both contributed evenly to everything also complicates things. 

 Another bad aspect to splitting is if there are children involved. If your child or their child has grown a strong bond with you or yours with them, that affects them too and children don't always understand why things didn't work out but only that a big part of their life is no longer there. 

"After me and my gf split, life wasn't as grand as I thought it would be. Lost track of friends, had to retrain myself to be independent once again. Plus it was more expensive living on my own." -J.W/Facebook

If you've lost yourself while living with a person, going back on your own will be a major adjustment. Things you were use to doing when you were on your own but stopped doing or doing as much will become brand new again. Also, reconnecting with friends in the same capacity as before you moved together can be a hassle if you've lost track of them. 

                    "The Fix"

Nothing is an exact science, some couples just don't have that kind of chemistry with one another that will last over time. It's like "chemical combustion" if you've studied science. Some chemicals don't react as bad if the exposure to each other isn't long but the longer each chemical is exposed to one another, the bigger the reaction. 

"All of the quirks work both ways, women don't like the peepee ring on the bottom of the toilet, we watch dumb stuff on TV, they don't clean house like we do, we take too long in the bathroom.. .its all silly stuff that falls under compromise. Focus on the beauty of the relationship instead." -Lisa Roston

It takes tons of compromise, balance, communication, teamwork as well as a willingness to take on new challenges to successfully live with someone. 

1. Compromise: Compromise is necessary because you have to be willing to do things that you aren't accustomed to doing and sharing certain responsibilities so that your partner isn't overwhelmed with them. Things like learning how to cook and cleaning up after yourself will go a long way in making your partner happy. You also have to be willing to let your partner have a life outside of you. As long as having a life doesn't interfere with the rules of the relationship, there shouldn't be an issue. You both don't always have to be in the same room doing the exact same thing. It's not always about you. 

2. Balance: Balance is important because although you may have a green light to do the things you like, don't over do them. While you're spending all day doing what you love to do, your significant other is thinking about what life could be like if they had someone who cared enough to be considerate of their feelings. Find that necessary balance.

3. Teamwork: Society has this belief that certain genders must stick to certain roles in the household even if the individuals involved don't favor those standards. Trying to make someone something they are not can be disastrous. Imagine you're starting a basketball team, most novice coaches will take the smallest guy and make him the guard and the tallest guy and make him the center without understanding how these players play. The experienced coach will find each players strong points and weak points and fit them into their best positions. The same thing must be done in the household. For example, if one of you actually likes cooking, and the other doesn't mind handling the dishes, then assume the roles that fit best, man or woman, and compliment the other. 

4. Communication: Just because you live together and see each other everyday doesn't mean the lines of communication should stop outside of the household. Whatever you guys were doing before you started living together should continue after. That's how the relationship stays young. Communicate changes in your schedule and other miscellaneous things regarding the household to your partner. 

Keep things fresh, don't succumb to what's inevitable in most situations like these. Go on dates, go on outings, look and dress nice, take care of home first and then take care of yourself. Take time away from each other every so often. And remember, going to your partner and asking if you can go out this weekend with friends is a much easier pill to swallow if you make them a priority in plans outside of the house on most occasions. Be responsible but don't let responsibility be the foundation of your relationship. 

It's all about working together and not working against each other because the perfect teamwork can lead to only one thing... championship! 

Be great guys and thanks for reading...

Trust & Insecurity

What's the difference between the two? Well, I like to simplify things a bit in order to recognize if it's a trust issue or an insecurity issue.

 A trust issue to me, is the lack of confidence in a person's abilities based on factual evidence. (For example: I don't trust you borrowing money from me because I've given you money before and you didn't pay me back.). Trust usually doesn't have a whole lot to do with a person's internal struggles as much as it does with external struggles, things they see, hear, feel. There are people who don't trust others for a number of different reasons, some justified, some not but a real trust issue should only be based on fact. If a person does not trust you and has no factual evidence as to why, that's more so an insecurity issue. 

Insecurity is the lack of confidence a person has in themselves. They aren't confident that they are good enough so they mask it as a "trust thing". (For example: you've never seen your significant other act inappropriate with the opposite sex yet you accuse them of doing so because you feel they are in need of something you can't give or aren't giving). 

We live in a time now where guys are taking pride in "taking down" other guys' women. The same people that are smiling in your face are plotting to get some of what you have. Fellas, if your lady looks great to you, you can imagine that she looks great to others as well. Vultures are constantly on the hunt for fresh blood and you and your significant other are the prey. Women too, not that they find the same joy in "taking down" someone else's man but more so because "good men" are very rare and most of them are taken so if you have one, just imagine how many other women want what you have. Because of this, being in a relationship has become very stressful if you aren't open with each other. Being open makes it easy to trust one another. If someone who you know approached your significant other, are they more likely to share that information or keep it to themselves? Is their life an open or closed book, are there passwords on everything? Do you feel like there are secrets? Not knowing the truth about a person because they aren't open can make it VERY hard to trust them, rightfully so. Remember, trust is triggered by something so a locked device, too much time spent on the phone and poor communication can be seen as red flags. If a person "moves funny" then there is probably funny business going on and you can never let your guard down in that situation. 

Sometimes a person is very open with their life and they seem to still get accused of not being trustworthy and in those instances there is nothing you can do because they are dealing with an internal struggle that you have nothing to do with. The insecure person needs to come to terms with the things that they are insecure about and work on them. You may be insecure because you are out of shape, you may not be bringing in enough money or, you don't feel like you are as attractive as others or maybe because you don't think your attraction level meets that of your significant other so you take it out on them without any real proof that they have broken the trust you both have. In one way or another, a person feels that their significant other isnt happy and is going to seek happiness elsewhere. Are you doing everything in your power to make them happy, physically mentally, financially? If you're treating your significant other badly then you will probably assume that they are seeking happiness elsewhere. It's no way to live worrying about where your significant other is or who they are with when they aren't with you. The best way to protect yourself from that is to build your own confidence by becoming the "best you" that you can be. You're not in shape? Work out. Need more money? Work more. Don't feel you're attractive enough? Maybe a slight makeover can help that cause, a new wardrobe, hairstyle. Don't feel like you are treating your significant other the way they should be treated? Treat... Them... Better... Simple right? Always remember, they are with you so regardless of what you may think, they made that choice when they didn't have to so those enhancements to your current situation or character can really do justice with the internal struggles you may have. 

I'm a firm believer that trust should be earned and not given and that there are different levels of trust the more mature your relationship becomes. When only dating, although you should look for signs that a person is trustworthy, you aren't necessarily able to hold them to any particular standard because they are free to see and talk to who they please. However, when entering into a relationship, that "baggage" is often brought along and I do think it's natural to become curious as to how your newly-made significant other handles certain situations. Think of yourself as an employer and them as the employee. Sure, their résumé looks nice, they showed up to the interview dressed well and on time, they've passed all of the pre-hire tests so you offer them the job. Well now, they have to be on time everyday, dress presentable, and put all of those tools they had listed in their résumé to work. Now are you, an employer with a company that you've poured your heart and soul into, more willing to trust them from jump, or will you monitor them to see how well they are doing? Most employers will indeed monitor you for a certain amount of time listed as the "probationary period". Well, relationships have this probationary period as well. Once you ever into a relationship, expectations raise. You are an investment of someone's time, emotional energy, effort, and future so try not to confuse their lack of overal trust in the beginning stages as insecurity. If the person isn't insecure, after seeing you know how to handle yourself in certain situations, I'm sure they will back off until your relationship reaches a new level of maturity to where expectations raise again. 

In certain instances, a person will make it very hard to be trusted even though they aren't necessarily stepping outside their relationship. Below I will list some of the things that I do think make it hard to trust an individual:

1. If someone is always on their phone in your presence - It's natural to wonder who it is they are communicating with. If you don't have their attention then who does?

2. They're often out at clubs or bars mingling with the opposite sex often never inviting you or choosing to spend time with you - Why don't they invite you if this is an innocent outting or why not make different plans where they can include you?

3. Flirting with the opposite sex on any platform - self explanatory. Definite no no. 

4. Having several heavily active friendships with the opposite sex, especially if your significant other does not know these friends - Active meaning hanging out alot. Maintaining friendships via phone is ok in my opinion.

5. Maintaining friendships with people you've been intimate with - In most cases, these friendships should become distant ones once you enter into a relationship.

6. Locking phones/refusing to give out the password - A person is going to wonder "what's there to hide" if you're suppose to be genuine. If the lock isn't intended to keep your significant other out, then giving them a password shouldn't be an issue.

7. Poor communication - if the communication is bad especially when you're both away from each other, it's natural for a person who's invested in you to wonder who you are communicating with throughout the day if it isn't with them. 

8. Drastic changes in intimacy resulting in less activity - well if you and your s/o go from having sex 7 days a week to once a week it can cause one to be curious as to why your sex drive has decreased tremendously. 

9. Lying - if you are a dishonest person then this will for sure have someone questioning the trust they have for you. If you lie about something small, you will definitely lie about something big. 

10. Seeking too much attention in the opposite sex - why can't the attention of your significant other be enough? If you are setting "thirst traps" everywhere to get reactions, reassurance, and compliments from others, I'd have to question if you'll ever be satisfied completely. (Given that your s/o does a good job at doing these things.)

11. Entertaining disrespect of your relationship - if someone is openly disrespecting your relationship, whether friend or foe, and you laugh it off as if it's okay then one can only imagine what happens behind closed doors. Shutting down others openly builds trust. 

These are triggers that can make it hard to be trusted. If these things are going on in your relationship and you are blaming your significant other's "lack of trust" in you as insecurity then you are deflecting the real issue which is you. 

Once trust is broken, it's very hard to get back but not impossible depending on what the cause for broken trust was. 

 

"a relationship is based solely on trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing." ~ @KnockTheBoot[twitter]

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it, a relationship can become extremely stressful if you are emotionally invested. Make yourself easy to be trusted, be open with everything, communicate, value each others time, make time for each other, compliment/reassure each other instead of looking outside of the relationship for that. 

Keeping your eyes open and looking for problems in your relationship aren't the same thing. Keep your eyes open, stop looking, though. I hate the phrase "if you go looking you will find what you're looking for..". If there is nothing to find, you won't find anything. However, a person who is constantly feeling like there is something going on, will never be at peace. 

Relationships shouldn't be just another burden in life, they should make life's burdens easier to deal with. Make it easy. 

Be great. 

BF's/GF's & Husbands/Wives: Is there a difference?

There was an interesting discussion going on today and I felt the need to share my thoughts on it. Most of the time when speaking on topics on social platforms, we barely scratch the surface but more so just give quick rundowns of our beliefs regarding these matters. I tend to want to expand on these things when giving my opinion.

The topic today was what are the differences between a husband/wife and a gf/bf. Listening to a lot of people give their opinions about this topic, it seems that many don't really understand that there is a difference or at least there should be.

To me, marriage is sacred. My expectations of a wife are much more complex than they are for a girlfriend. Some of the bare essentials are the same like, do we have fun together, am I attracted to you, is the sexual chemistry on point, and most importantly, do you have potential to be someone I'd consider to be a wife and future mother of my children but there is much more to crossing over to marriage than that. You may not be there yet, but do I see potential? Because to me, that's what a bf/gf is, someone who has potential and is working towards maximizing that potential. No, they may not be where they want to be in life or where you want them to be, but they know that and are working towards it. No, they may not be perfect in all aspects with the way that you want to be treated but they understand the things that need to be changed and are working towards that. Is your current GF/BF financially where they want to be in life? Are they financially where YOU want them to be? Marriage is much more than a trip to the movies every weekend or dinner here and there. Huge responsibilities come when marriage comes into play, not just emotionally but financially. It was all good when you were doing favors for each other but now those favors have turned into expectations. Can your bf/gf handle expectations or are they turned off by having to be responsible? How are they with money? Are they responsible with it or are they careless and often stuck borrowing from others in order to pay bills essentially living in debt. How's their credit? You do intend to buy a house, right? Even though these are things that we would expect out of our wives/husbands, many of us don't think about these things when it comes to GF's and BF's.

I always say it's very important to live with someone before you get married. It's a good way to "test-drive" someone for marriage. When you're sharing a house with someone, it's very important to know that they compliment you in the household. What are your strong points and weak points? Do you complete the person you're with and do they complete you? The allure of marriage sounds lovely but very few people who actually think they are ready for such a huge responsibility, are. Can you wake up next to a person every day and not feel agitated by the site of them to the point where you feel like you have to get away just so you don't kill each other? How about the sex, yea it was easy meeting up a few times per week and "getting it on" but now you live with your significant other and see they are sex-crazed mad-man/woman. Can you deal with that? What about children, most of us have them if we're over the age of 25. Is your significant other ready to help you with the load of raising your child or do you still have to depend on your parents to do things like watching them and helping them with homework when you can't be there even though your significant other is off and free to do so if they wanted?

Marriage isn't about "you & them", it's about "us & we". Are you ready to move as a unit and answer to someone else? Yea sure, you can do whatever you want now because you're grown and pay your own bills but do you carry over that mentality when you join forces with someone? Are you able to relinquish control if your significant other wants to take charge or step up and take control if your partner is willing to give it to you? Sure, right now you guys might be living separately or coming from living separately and both work so neither of you have an issue with that but what happens when you have children? Who takes a step back and who takes a step forward from working? Two alphas will clash sooner or later. Are you ready to open up your account to someone else and transparently share your earnings in ways like having a joint account where all money is accessible to both parties? How about your mental state, are you even ready to settle down? The meaning is in the word. Settle down, to sit, relax, chill or are you and your significant other still more focused on having fun separately? These things matter.

The reason why my standards for a wife are much higher is because the collateral damage from divorce is FAR worse than it is for a GF. If I leave my wife, I could still be financially responsible for her for years after the divorce even to the point where it hinders me from ever getting married again. So why would I marry potential? What if that person never maximizes their potential? Then you're stuck with someone who won't change and is satisfied because you rewarded them with marriage when they weren't even proper material for it. And see, that's where husbands and wives set themselves apart. They are no longer potential, they are where they want to be in life. They have the job they want, their credit is where they need it to be for you both to grow and not be stuck living mediocre. They knew the things that they needed to change about themselves in order to make you completely happy and have changed in order to do that. Now you're dealing with a finished product and marriage should be the next step. Technically, once you are there, and cross over into marriage, there is no real difference between what you two were just before marriage and what you are now because you've both proven yourselves. There are legal differences. Now the government changes your status, now you are legally bound to someone else but the ground work has already been done...

I prepared this blog to help people better understand that there is a difference in how I see things. It's my opinion and is not the standard for all people but I do think there is some truth to it. Hope it helps.

Be great.

Is Chivalry Dead?

chiv·al·ry (shvl-r)
n. pl. chiv·al·ries
1. The medieval system, principles, and customs of knighthood.
2.
a. The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.
b. A manifestation of any of these qualities.
3. A group of knights or gallant gentlemen.

So you're coming home from what seems to be another "dead end date". The guy you're dating was a good 30 minutes late picking you up, when he arrived to your humble abode, he presumed to honk several times, and when you came to his car, he simply unlocked his door from the inside informing you that it was unlocked and that it was ok to get in. So you get in his car and continue on with your date as planned. His musical choice, although not something you're not accustomed to is definitely not something you'd expect on the first date. He's taking you to a restaurant, nice! But when you get there, much like when he picked you up, he failed to open your car door once again, failed to open the door to the restaurant, and he also failed to pull out your chair to the table that you guys were sitting at. But are all men like this? Is chivalry really dead? Who's to blame?

The times have definitely changed, that is something that we cannot disagree on. Those of us who grew up in 2 parent homes may have witnessed a certain balance in our households. Our fathers bore the brunt of the financial burden, they seemed to work more, to be more in charge of our safety, when things broke down, he was the one to fix it, or at least try. There was always a certain aura about our fathers that stood out and gave us the impression that he was indeed the last line of defense regarding all situations. Our mothers, well they were our nurturers. When things went wrong or we were sick, they were the ones to console us, when we were hungry they were the ones that fed us, always the ones that were checking on us ensuring that we were okay. They appeared much more fragile than our fathers and often even if we had the support of our mothers regarding something important, our fathers support is what seemed to matter the most regarding the decisions that were made. Those of us who grew up in single parent homes may have witnessed something completely different. We saw our parents as strong independent figures who didn't rely off of the opposite sex to get the job done. One parent was enough and it taught us independence growing up and that we didn't necessarily need the opposite sex for anything outside of our physical desires much like our parents.

Before the late 70's & 80's hit and drugs literally tore apart our communities, we saw strong family values. Getting divorced was shunned upon, parents stuck it out through thick and thin and many of the children in those generations born and raised before that era had been accustomed to that. The majority of us born during the 80's or after are more susceptible to being raised in single parent homes and are being raised with a more independent mindset. In the 50's, 60's & 70's, a woman, regardless of what aspirations she might have had, might have been prepared more for running a household from within where now she might be prepared for actually running a household in its entirety. Maybe her mother was abandoned by her father and now feels she must teach her daughter not to rely on men as much as she did at a young age so she might not prep her daughter to cater to a man. She'd much rather prep her daughter to be strong and independent and when she's done taking care of herself, then she should focus on a man. That's just a theory though. Overtime men have lost the very edge that we once possessed, the work field is more equal now than it's ever been. In a lot of cases, the woman is bringing in more than the man. The only distinction between us and them now is our physical stature and brute strength.

"chivalry died with the rise of the independent woman. Think about it, the more independent women got, the less chivalrous men got. It's a direct correlation. In general men are probably less likely to be chivalrous because women don't need us anymore."~@KenHarley/twitter

Although that is just an opinion of one man, I know many men who feel the exact same way. Women have assumed a more dominant role in the household and now feel it isn't necessary for them to cater to men the way that their mothers and/or grandmothers once did, and why should they? They wake up in the morning just like us, they go to work just like us and work just as many hours as us. Who's to say they aren't tired when they get home? Ladies, you have that right however, there is a cause and effect to that and you must come to terms with it.

Women on a large scale have stopped catering to men so in turn, men have stopped courting women. The little things we used to do to win you over, many of us don't do anymore. What happened to women being sensitive, consoling, supportive, not just psychologically supportive but physically as well. Nowadays a man breaks his back to support his family only to come home to a woman who won't massage it because she's affected by those same ailments. What happened to the men who carried your groceries, took out your garbage when it was full, pumped your gas, opened up your doors etc? Have these types disappeared? The desire for those virtues are still there, that's for sure. Catering will always make a man feel special, no matter how emotionally disconnected he may seem to be and courting will always make a woman feel special, no matter how independent and hardened her stance is. It's part of our "chemical makeup". These attributes aren't dead, they live within us, we've just buried them deep within our psyches due to the lack of the need to use them.

"Woman now more than ever have a voice, but very few are saying the right things.."

I open doors, pull out chairs, take out the trash, cook what I can, and protect the woman in my life at all costs but not all women are worth that. Are you? This is a question you must ask yourself. What kind of signals are you giving men? What does he think of when he sees and hears you. Does he think Lady, woman, or girl. Now, some of you may be asking what the difference is, rightfully so. To me, a girl is nothing more than the sex of a person, what you were born as. It's not determined by the level of maturity a person possesses or her characteristics. A girl's level of maturity, physically and mentally is what makes her a woman. She's grown, she works and pays her own bills. She's fully developed physically and mentally. A lady, well that is something that all women have a choice of being. It's not so much a matter of maturity, it's more so a choice of character. You have a choice of how you conduct yourself, your demeanor, your tone, how you speak, the language you use, the music you listen to, your etiquette. Chances are, a man will operate solely based on the vibe he gets from you. If he feels that you demand that kind of respect a lady should receive then he will give it to you but why should he if you're listening to music that degrades women? Why should he if your refer to yourself as a "bitch" regardless of whether "bad" comes before it or not? Why should he treat you with any class if you don't exude any level of class yourself? Why should he speak to you like a lady and every other word out of your mouth is profane. It's not often that you will find a man that is willing to treat you as a lady regardless of how you display yourself. There are men like that out there but they are rare. Set a standard for yourself and live by it. Being a lady should be a way of life for you.

"Niggas don't open doors anymore or pull out chairs, chivalry is dead.."

You're right, "niggas" don't do those things but men do. You have to be selective when dating. I know the neck/face tats, high use or profanity, and the entire "bad boy" image is intriguing to you but do you really expect him to be chivalrous? Start judging the men you date off of substance not just whatever is visually appealing. The more serious he is about life, the more serious he will be about love. Also, older men might work better for you because I believe men mature slower than women. The older the man is, the more grasp he has on what manhood is.

It's not uncommon for a woman to have the right individual in her life who might be the perfect gentleman but she be completely oblivious to the fact that he is because to her, he's just a friend. She thinks he's nice and a good friend to have so what does she do? She places him in the "friend zone".

If what you want at the end of the day is a nice guy, then you have to stop looking at nice guys solely as friendship material. There is a difference between a guy being nice and him being a "pushover". Don't date a pushover, but that guy who listens to all of the issues you have with other men, who gives you a shoulder to lean on when you need one, who's there for any advice you are in need of is probably the kind of guy you need to be dating if you're serious about finding something of substance.

"I've been to every club/bar in the city and there just doesn't seem to be any good men.."

Where you are meeting men plays a large role. Not because good men don't exist in these places but the setting might not require him to act as if he's seriously looking for a "lady". Good men do go to clubs but what do they go to clubs looking for, something long term or short term? Also, how presentable are you in a club, are you sending off signals of someone looking for something long term or short term? If you're wearing something too revealing, drunk to the point where you are stumbling as you walk, speaking too loudly while using profanity, you are sending off the wrong signals to someone who is most likely already looking for something short term.

"It's just twitter"

How much time do you actually spend on social networks? Do you look at social networks as a possible avenue to pursue something real? If you spend a lot of time on social networks, then you should. However, you must realize that the way you conduct yourself will affect your chances of finding a man that will actually want to treat you like a lady. Think of it this way. If you are a rabbit in a turtle race, are you really going to try as hard as you can in order to win the race when you don't have to? That's how most men are with women. Men don't have to try as hard with most women because we don't feel you exhibit the necessary qualities of someone who deserves our best.

Look, bottom line, a lot of women fail to realize that they get treated the way they do because they don't set standards for themselves. If you have no standards for yourself, you can't have high standards regarding men. "Date your equal". Whatever you feel that you are putting out, find the same in a man and don't settle for less or expect more. Men and women in today's age are in a tugawar of who's going to give more first. You will never affect change that way. The most affective way to change something is to start with yourself and lead by example. As I said before, these qualities are in us but they are dormant much like the natural instincts of a lion or tiger who's been trained over time not to harm humans. If you antagonize this lion, sooner or later those natural instincts will come out. Yes, men have to start making women feel like women again but women have to start making us feel like men again as well. Start with yourself. Chivalry isn't dead, it's very much alive, just waiting for the right set of individuals to wake it up.

Be great.

(This is just my personal opinion and is not meant to be taken as fact. I'm not a doctor or counselor, just one man sharing my thoughts. Hope it helps)

Single Parents & Dating

It's Friday night, you just got off of work and you're ready to spend some nice quality time with you new boyfriend/girlfriend. So you call him/her and they tell you that plans fell through and they have their child but that you're more than welcomed to still come over. Not exactly what you had in mind for a nice chill friday where you'd rather just relax minus the child..

Dating a single parent can be a very delicate situation. Children always come first mainly because they aren't able yet to take care of themselves and require a lot of attention especially at a young age. However, this does not mean that a single parent cannot balance being in a relationship all while being the parent their child needs them to be. I always recommend that single parents should try dating other single parents because they understand the struggle when it comes to dating. I've been in 3 relationships in my entire life. One where I was the guy dating a single parent, another where I was the single parent dating someone without kids (which was hell I might add), and then as a single parent dating another single parent. The easiest one of the 3 choices was being a single parent dating another single parent. The connection was stronger because we had something that was such a huge part of our lives bring us together and instead of children being a burden, it became a plus when both children were around.

Now, If you don't have children, and are interesting in someone that does, or do have children and interested in someone who does not, there are some things you need to consider when dating a single parent.

The Package Deal

First and foremost, when dating single parent, you must realize that you aren't only taking on a new girlfriend or boyfriend, but eventually you will be taking on their child as well. If you do have serious intentions with this person it is imperative that you consider if you are ready for such a huge responsibility. Depending on the situation, there might not be a lot of free time for each of you to spend alone and that can bring a lot of stress onto a new relationship if there isn't any balance. Do you like kids? Does your ideal woman have any kids or would you prefer to start a family from the ground up as opposed to being an addition to someone else's? These are some of the things you must ask yourself when considering dating a single parent. Weigh your options before things get serious mainly because kids can get attached to you as well and might not understand why you aren't coming around anymore when things don't work out with their mother or father.

The Introduction

When is it a good time to bring your children around someone you're considering dating? I wouldn't recommend bringing them around too soon but I wouldn't wait too long either. Sometimes we as parents are so overprotective of our children that we wait months to bring them around someone who we are involved with and that can be very dangerous. Why? Well, you have to take into account that your child is a huge part of your life and now you are considering bringing someone new into that picture. Shouldn't you be concerned if they will get along? What if your child hates them? What if they don't like your child? Finding out that this person that seemed so perfect for you has no chemistry with your child can be really stressful. Needless to say, your relationship will probably never grow. That doesn't mean you should introduce them to everybody you're dating, especially if you are a "serial dater". Give yourself time to get to know the person you're dating before you allow your child to get to know them. When the time is right and you have a full grasp on who the person you are dating is and consider them a serious candidate, pull the trigger. It doesn't have to be an all day thing, it can be brief but when you do allow them to meet, pay attention to them as they interact. Is your new love interest showing any sort of interest in the child or do they appear uninterested? Keep in mind that not everybody is great with kids, especially if they've never had any of their own. So be careful not to read too much into these signs because it very well could be a learning experience for them.

Children can run a good man or woman out of your life very quickly if you allow them so when it comes to your child meeting someone new, have a talk with them before hand, remember when it comes to your child and understanding, communication is key. Let them know that it's important to you that they be respectful at all times. Rudeness is not "cute" and shouldn't be tolerated. It can be an awkward situation for your significant other if your child is being rude to them in front of you. That's you're job to handle that, not theirs.

If you are dating someone with children and the time comes where you are to meet the child, be enthusiastic, keep the communication going, keep the questions coming, show the child's parent that you have interest in not only her or him but the child as well.

Quality time vs Family time

When you are a single parent and are involved with someone, it is important that you balance the time you share with your child and the time you spend with your significant other. Kids always come first however, you don't want your significant other to feel alienated when they are around or feel that they can't come around because you never seem to have enough time for them. There should be a good amount of time spent between you, the child and your significant other, you and the child, and you and your significant other. If your significant other is making strides to spend time with you and your child, make time for them. Set a bed time for your children so that your partner can know that at a certain time, they are sure to get some time with you, alone. Go out and do things. Remember, your relationship with one another must still be able to grow even when children are in the picture. Never get comfortable in thinking that once your partner has been introduced to your child that they won't expect a little quality alone time here and there.

If you are dating someone with a child, understand that they might not always have time for you separate from the child. Be understanding and don't alienate yourself when you can't get time alone with your partner. Make sure that you suggest things that include not only your partner, but the child as well from time to time. Look for children's events that are coming to town, try some amusement parks, suggest going to the play park or movies.

One instance where it can be very difficult to bond with a child is when the child is of the opposite sex. Not only is their a huge gap between your age and theirs, but the activities depending on the sex of the child can very. Little girls might not be as rough as boys, they might like playing in makeup and watching child shows that cater to them more. Boys might be rough, into physical interaction and like watching and playing sports more. Compromise must be made on both ends.

If you are the person dating a single parent, partake in those activities with the child. Do the things that they like to do from time to time even if the activities aren't necessarily things you're into, compromise.

If you are the single parent, compromise on your end as well. Make sure that sometimes you and the child do things that your partner likes to do, watch things that they have interest in if they are child friendly.

Who's the boss?

I remember one instance where I was at a friends house with my daughter who's 5. My friend, in a playing manner threw something at me, and my daughter who didn't really understand why the object was thrown went ballistic to say the least.

As overprotective as we can be with our children you'd be surprised how protective they are over us. Not only are children overprotective but they are very territorial, especially in single parent homes. Your child might not be used to seeing you so close to someone else and might find ways to lash out if they either feel you are in harms way or if they aren't getting enough attention. In many cases, a child can very well dictate what you can and cannot do when they are in you and your significant other's presence, but only if you let them. Remember, you're the parent, they are the child. Now, it's a child so of course there are limitations on what you should allow your child to see. I don't think you and your partner should be "lip locking" with your child as a spectator but I don't think you should have to sit on opposite ends of the room either. Find a respectful balance to where your child and significant other are not left out or feeling like there is such a drastic change whenever you're all together.

If you are the one dating a single parent, you should understand that you can't do certain things or act a certain way with your partner in front of children. If the child's bedtime is set at a decent hour, you should have plenty of time to share more intimate moments with your significant other. Make sure that you don't just come around when it's bedtime, make it a point to be there before. Dedicate a little time to the child and you will get yours.

Drama Drama Drama

In some cases, "baby momma/daddy" drama can be so intense that it's best to cut your losses and move on, however, if the situation is manageable and there isn't any drama or very little drama, make sure to stay out of it if you're the one dating someone with children. Leave those issues to your significant other and the person they share the child with because that is someone that is going to be around for a very long time depending on how old the child is and definitely isn't someone you want to be at odds with if you have serious intentions in the relationship.

It's a very delicate situation when you're dating someone who has a child and both parents are still in the picture. Even though it's a huge part of being a single parent, no one wants to find out that someone else is doing their part when it comes to raising their child so be mindful of that, don't get in the way, if anything, just assist them both in parenting. Be there for the child but also know when to back off. Be respectful and let the other party know you are there to assist them with raising their child and not that you have your own agenda in doing so because that's where the drama begins. If you and your significant other are living together, there are certain things you will have to be in charge of in terms of household rules and things that need immediate decisions, but major decisions should be left up to the child's parents.

If you are a single parent and dating, and the child's mother or father is in the child's life, at some point it might be best to introduce them to your significant other. It can ease a parents mind to know who the person is that is around their child and assisting you both with raising them and just like you communicated with the child about how important it is that they be respectful to your significant other, the same must be done to your child's mother or father.

An instance that can cause problems in a relationship with a single parent where both parents are heavily involved is when both parents think it's important that they spend time together with the child. I grew up in a single parent home and I can't really remember seeing my mother or father in the same room together but I do wish I did. Some parents feel that that is important and if you are dating a single parent be respectful of that. There will be times where your significant other and their child's father or mother will be around each other for an extended amount of time and you shouldn't get in the way of that as long as they include you. If you decline, that's your call but it's not right for you to stop these gatherings from happening just because you don't want to be there. It's about the child in this case and not you. If you do decide to go, be there but try not to go overboard when it comes to being involved with their interaction. Your significant other invited you and that should be enough to let you know that nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

If you are a single parent and do feel that it's important that you and the person you share a child with spend time together with the child every now and then, do so but include your significant other in these outings. This shouldn't be a problem for either parent if these gatherings are about the child. Also, understand that everything should have a limit. If you feel that it is necessary that you and your child's father/mother spend time every weekend for family nights then perhaps you both should consider being an actual family. These occasions shouldn't be that often to where there is a strict routine you follow. That's okay for individuals who are single but not the best idea if you have serious intentions with someone new.

Control Issues

Many times in a single parent home especially if the other parent isn't in the picture or is barely in the picture, the single parent is reluctant to give up control when it comes to how their child should be raised. A child being raised by 1 parent could very well upset the balance that that child needs to have. Although you might be a strong women or man and think you can do it all, there is nothing wrong with getting help or a different opinion from your significant other on important issues and by letting go of your control and allowing your significant other to know that his or her opinion is important. Doing so will only strengthen your relationship and the relationship they have with the child. Remember, you chose to be with this person and believe that they are a good enough man or woman for not only you but to bring around your child so you should trust them enough to make sound decisions when it comes to them.

Dating a single parent or being a single parent can be a very tough situation but making it work is not impossible. We want to live for our children but not at the expense of our lives. You definitely don't want to end up old and alone because you dedicated your life to your child. If you're someone who doesn't have children, you definitely don't want the fact that someone does stop you from being in a relationship when they could be great for you.

I'm not a doctor, relationship or children's counselor, I'm just a normal everyday guy who has my own opinion based on trial and error in my personal life. The talking points and solutions that I've written about have worked for me and I thought it would be a great topic to speak on. Read at your discretion.

Be great.

Does social networking ruin relationships?

So I'm on the train home from work, normal Saturday. 40-50 people in a space that's no bigger than your average apartment, but the only sound I hear is the sound of the wheels of the train grinding up against the train rails. Everyone's eyes facing downward as they are engulfed in their phones, texting, tweeting, facebooking, instagraming etc. But there is nothing wrong with entertaining yourself on a train full of people you've never met and don't know. But how does this affect relationships with people you do know...?

Interesting question. I don't think it is directly related to ruining relationships because I do think relationships can flourish even when social networking is in the picture. It's 2013, we all have something, whether a twitter, a Facebook or whatever else the kids are using these days, it's harder to find someone who isn't engulfed in their phone even when they are in the presence of their significant other.

But let's look at the bigger picture here. Social networking does have a profound affect on communication in a few ways, both good and bad. The good part about it is it allows you to keep in touch with people you would otherwise lose touch with like childhood friends, distant family members and such. But how does it affect a close relationship? How does it affect communication with someone you have to see everyday?

Not only does it affect communication when you are in the presence of your partner but also when you aren't in their presence. Often people would rather tweet or post a status to friends or strangers rather than entertain the person in front of them. How many times have you been at a restaurant and witnessed a couple sitting across from one another both on their phones paying no attention to one another? I've seen it plenty of times.

Before social networking was what it is today, the average couple had to communicate with each other in order to see what the other was doing or how they were feeling or if something was troubling them or made them happy throughout the day. At that time, you and others they had personal relationships with were their outlet, but now, your partner is more likely to share that information with others rather than with you. Yes, you can ask how your partner's day was but you already know how it was because it was posted. You can ask what they are doing but you already know because that was posted as well. I've seen posts from people in relationships telling the world that they are "horny". Well, shouldn't you be communicating that to your partner? Did you? Sometimes, couples try to bait each other by expressing their feelings or needs online instead of approaching one another. An example of that is when your significant other starts off a post with "who wants to..........?" When the activity clearly warrants the opposite sex to answer. They aren't really interested in anybody else answering though, they want their partner to see it and respond. You couldn't just ask them that?

Remember the days where if you had an issue in your relationship, you approached your partner to work it out? It seems like that was so long ago. Now people are more likely to take their issues with their partner to a social network, sometimes even before their significant other knows that there is a problem. Involving the world in personal issues with your significant other will only do more harm than good. A large % of the people that see that you two have issues are happy you have them. Always communicate with each other.

Another reason why I think it hurts relationships is it disrupts the ability to miss your significant other. I mean, how can you possibly miss someone when every time you log in to your account you see them posting their thoughts? The ability to miss each other throughout a day is actually very healthy to a relationship because it allows you to "reboot your feelings". Like eating or exercising, you need a break at some point. Catch up with each other on your lunch break, then when you get off of work, again. Oh yea, you don't have to "catch up" because you know everything your significant other did throughout an entire 24 hour period without them uttering one word to you about it. But you'll just act like you didn't see any of it just to create conversation. We've all done it. (Their post): "got the job!". (You ask hours later): "babe, you get the job?", Already knowing they did. Whelp.

But what kind of psychological affect does that have? How do you feel personally if your significant other is ready to share things with everyone before they share them on a personal level with you? I'm no rocket scientist but I can imagine it would make you feel a bit unimportant. I could be wrong though. As friends FIRST and then lovers, we want to be the first to know about things, to feel important or more important than someone they don't know from a can of paint. You're their emotional rock, you should know what's troubling your significant other or why they are all of a sudden "in a great mood".

One thing that I'm sure affects a lot of people is instances where they haven't talked to their significant other in hours yet they've seen tons of posts in between that time. They haven't thought about you once? Here they are laughing it up with everyone of the same and opposite sex and there you are just waiting for them to think about you enough to text or call. I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual, too. You're both twiddling your thumbs waiting on the other person to text or call or even use the social platform to make contact but do they need to? They have enough people to occupy their time if you choose not to. If you have enough friends and family on Facebook or followers on twitter and Instagram, no question goes unanswered, and no photo goes without comment. So essentially, you're happy with not communicating if the other party doesn't make the move, first. It doesn't help at all that when you finally do reach out to your significant other, they are so involved in their social networking, your texts are often ignored or just simply not seen. That can ruin your day.

One of the leading causes for "online drama" is flirting with the opposite sex while in a relationship. There is no standard for disrespect, that's all up to the couple involved and the standards that they have set when it comes to social networking and their relationship. If your significant other is uncomfortable with you flirting online, the simple fix would be to stop. If it was only that simple, though. The issue with that is, for starters, in today's age a lot of relationships stem from online dating and that flirtatious nature is usually what draws one person to another but now that you're in a relationship with this person you're demanding that it stops and that can be difficult to do if their "online personality" consists of flirting and heavy communication with the opposite sex. Essentially, if they put an end to flirting, they become less and less social. It's a catch 22 because the things that drew you to a person that you loved so much about them now irks you because it also draws in the opposite sex. Although true, when your relationship status changes, some personal habits must change as well for your relationship to stay afloat.

A lot of people tend to separate social media from real life, "it's just twitter..". No, it's not. You met each other using the same exact methods you are using with others while in a relationship. It wasn't "just twitter" then, it's not just twitter now. Knowing that can make a person very uncomfortable when it comes to flirting online. Very few people ever learn to separate the two. We use these platforms for entertainment purposes but they can become very real very quick and your relationship is a living testament to that.

There is no simple solution to solving the issues regarding relationships and social networking especially if your significant other is a heavy user. I would recommend filtering out your significant other a little. Create groups or lists that include your favorite people that you can read without seeing your partner. Now that does not excuse flirting. Flirting should not be tolerated, if that is a standard that you have, stick by it and if they aren't willing to work at the relationship, why are you working so hard to keep it? Share your innermost feelings with you partner, first. Keep them involved with things that have happened or things that you plan on doing. Social networks should get that information second. And yes sadly, some information shouldn't be shared at all, have a filter. Men and women expressing how good their "sex game" is or women mentioning how big their breasts or booty is, men their penises, is probably not something you should want to share with the world. If you're not getting the attention you'd like or being complimented enough, and are using a social network to fill the void, communicate that to them, give them a chance to change.

Have fun, be social, but not at the expense of your relationship. If Whatever method you choose helps your relationship grow, I'm sure your partner will understand or at least they should. Don't let social networking outlast your relationship...

Be great.

(These are just the opinions of one man and not to be taken as facts. Read with your own discretion.)