Rules Of Engagement: Tips on how men can gain more success approaching women

     

Feeling uncomfortable around others is one of the most common problems people have to contend with. There is a subcategory of such people who specifically have great difficulty communicating with members of the opposite sex. They have a fear of failure: a fear that members of the opposite sex will reject them. Although women suffer from approach anxiety, it is much more common with men."

~Morty Lefkoe/Huffington Post

You're in an establishment, you see a woman you're attracted to and decide to approach her to spark up a conversation. You have on a T-shirt which is wrinkled, pants that are sagging well below your waist line, you're hair looks like it hasn't been combed, you're hands and face like they haven't been lotioned, and your body, a slight hint of must. But that's not stopping you, you see nothing wrong and feel entitled even, enough to get through this difficult obstacle. Her, her attire is business casual, her hair nicely slicked back leading to a pony tail, her glasses on as she's reading what is perhaps a favorite novel of hers and hasn't given you or anyone else for that matter any signs that she's up for a conversation. So you approach this woman anyways and proceed with "hey baby what's good, I'm ____ what's your name? She looks up, doesn't smile, takes a gander at you from head to toe and tells you "I'm sorry but no thanks". You continue on with "oh you got a man or somn?" she proceeds with "no I'm just not interested, sorry." At this point you begin to insult her, you call her stuck up, and whatever other degrading names you could come up with to make her feel inferior to you all while the only thing you're doing is making her feel uncomfortable and ruining any chances you'll ever have with her.

  The truth is, this probably isn't the first time this has happened to her. I'd imagine it's tough being a beautiful woman trying to enjoy some time to yourself while out in public. Beautiful women get approached a lot, by all different types, some succeed while others fail but there is a key to that success and below I'm going to go over some of those keys that have helped myself and others to increase your chances with women In today's age. 

1. Hygiene

Women are very observant of little things. Thing that most men might not keep track of or pay attention to, a woman might have high on her list. Things like having your nails nice and clean, making sure you're moisturized, that you're clean and have a scent that is inviting. If you've ever smelled great and went to hug a female friend of yours, you noticed how long the hug was as opposed to when you don't smell great?

"if you smell good, even if you're not that cute it'll make me comfy and more likely to be like eeehhhh why not." ~@NicaRAWguenNERD/twitter

 A great scent can freeze a woman's train of thought temporarily and most of the time they will compliment you on that. "A great scent brings togetherness" . Make sure to find the perfect balance of scent types between soap, deodorant, body spray, and cologne and remember too much of any of it is a turn off.

2. Presentation

Hygiene is very much a part of how you present yourself but in this instance, I'm speaking more towards attire and not just what you wear but how you wear it.

"The driven man stays prepared. Regardless of what activity he's partaking in, he knows at any moment he might come across the perfect opportunity."

You don't need to put on an Armani suit everyday to impress women. Just make sure your clothes are clean, not dingy, stained, or wrinkled. Make sure they are worn properly, or atleast in a manner that would portray you to be someone that this particular woman you're approaching would take seriously. For instance, if she's dressed similar to the woman in the example in the opening paragraph, why would you approach her dressed in a manner that only a young woman yet to mature would find appealing? Even if you're in a work uniform, make sure it's up to par.

3. Reading energy

Not every woman is looking to meet someone. Sometimes they really just want to get out of the house and enjoy the day by taking a walk or reading at a park or establishment. It's up to you as a man to read her energy and feed off of it.

 Imagine you're focused playing Madden or 2k17, it's the 4th qtr and it's tied where every possession is crucial. Now imagine a woman approaching you during this time when you've given her no signs that you were even interested in meeting her let alone anybody. It would be kind of annoying to be honest.

If a woman seems focussed on something then I personally leave her be but if her attitude seems rather free flowing, she's checking the room out, she's smiling at people that walk by, you guys have locked eyes a few times even, and she's smiled, that's a good time to approach and engage.

4. Space provides better opportunity

When you do approach her, make sure to give her space. To most women, a man's physique is already intimidating enough and the last thing you want to do is make a woman feel uneasy. At that point she's thinking more about what your immediate intentions are rather than what you're saying which is most important. Measure your arm, and keep at a distance of an arm and a half length. This of course if you're not in a place where it's loud. (I personally hate having conversations over loud music. But that's just me). In that case then yes, it's okay to break the arm and a half barrier and I'm sure she's okay with that being in an environment which requires someone to invade her space for her to fully hear what they're saying. I recommend not talking into her face, however. Have eye contact when she's talking and direct your words towards her ear. Bottom line, regardless of whether your breath smells good or not, I'm sure she doesn't want it in her face.

"What makes me uneasy is if he approaches me with a crowd and is really aggressive." ~LoveTeish/Twitter

When out and about or with a group of friends, it's important to understand that that experience can be intimidating for a woman as it can be for you if she's with a group of friends. It's best to ask for her permission to speak with her alone or away from the crowd. 

5. Friendly conversation

Any smart woman knows what a man is after when he approaches her but that doesn't mean you should come in hot with a clear agenda. Easing into that agenda is best. It displays your creativity and also your interest level in something other than just the task at hand. There's always something to open up a conversation with that's relatable to where you are or what you're doing. I'll give an example of this below:

Example 1: You're at a bar or restaurant you see a woman order a drink or something to eat.

Him: "Question, I don't mean to bother you but how is that(drink or meal)? I've thought about trying it but I need an honest opinion before I do."

How she answers will tell you if it's okay to continue on with this conversation with her or not. I'll give you an example below of two different answers where you should proceed and not proceed.

Proceed: (she smiles back, slightly turning to face you) "oh it's okay, not a problem! I actually love it! You should really try it!" (she goes into a brief discription on what she likes about it.)

Do NOT proceed: (she seems startled upon your question, she looks briefly in your direction and looks down or away as she replies) "it's okay, and I like it.

The energy in both answers varies drastically if you notice. In the first example, she seems rather inviting, engaging, willing to carry on an actual conversation. Meanwhile in the second example, she seems closed off, short, and bothered. These things work better with actual women rather than the "hey Lil momma" she's used to.

6. Confidence

I asked about 15 or so different women what turned them on the most when a man approaches them and out of the 15, 9 said confidence.

"I’ve said it a bazillion times…great women don’t see a man as potential “relationship material” based on his looks, money, or cheesy pick-up lines. When it comes to figuring out if a particular guy might be “Mr. Right,” the first thing most women look for are sure signs of confidence." ~David DeAngelo/Dating Secrets

Think of it like a job interview. You can go into the job interview with the attitude and approach that you need this particular job or that this job needs you. And these things don't need to be said, it shows in your actions, your tone, and your demeanor. When speaking, be firm, guide the conversation, look her in the eye when speaking and when listening to what she's saying. Confidence is sexy and can tell a woman what she needs to know about a man.

7. Compliments

It's okay to compliment a woman but be careful to not come off as creep while doing so. One rule of thumb if you're going to compliment a woman on her natural physical appearance is to keep it above the mouth(lol). Things like "you have very pretty eyes" or "I love that hair style" are an innocent way to compliment a woman without it being a dead giveaway that you've been checking other 'parts'of her out. It's also okay to compliment her sense of style without it relating to how it fits on her or even her perfume.

8. Pressure busts pipes and also pushes women away

I'm a very private person. I really don't like people I don't really know knowing my government name or my number. These things regardless of what you may think are very personal aspects of a person's life yet after 30 seconds of engaging with someone, we ask for a name and 2 minutes later we ask for a number. Simply asking for these things can be a turnoff to someone as they feel pressured to give them up. The most effective way I've had success with these things is to offer my information first. After the initial stages of engaging, "I'm sorry I'm(insert name)". If she's feeling you then you've made it to phase two and upon closing the conversation with her, I offer my contact information. "I really enjoyed talking to you and would love to continue on with this conversation with you sometime if you don't mind, here's my number.". 9 times out of 10 if she's feeling you, She'll either offer to give you her number, call/text you on the spot to give you hers, or give it some time before she does but in almost all cases they at the very least accept the number and at least you don't walk away from the situation feeling like you've failed. Which brings me to my next point.

9. Accepting failure

I'm going to be honest, you could follow none of these steps and have success with women or follow all of them and have zero success. It all depends on the woman and knowing which approach works best. Regardless, accept defeat gracefully.

Imagine you're a basketball player in high-school during a big game, there's a scout there who's watching you and another player. At the end of the of the game he decides to speak to the other player and not you so you flip out, curse him out, call him old, and tell him he knows nothing about the game of basketball. You've just killed your chances at this particular scout ever giving you a chance again when he might have before your tirade.

"Doesn't make me think twice about turning him down LOL but he gains my respect. I made a friend that way. Turned him down. Saw him 5 more times after that. Finally exchanged numbers and are friends." ~@BBinternational/twitter

You might have failed with her but how you handle failure could leave a lasting impression with her. She's been degraded by everyone else so depending on how you handle it, it could very well lead to gaining her respect and you developing at the very least, a friendship.


I've spent days preparing everything you've just read and I can sum it up in a few sentences:

*Don't be annoying
*Don't be a creep
*Don't pressure

If everybody had a full grasp on what those things meant, they'd have a much clearer understanding of how they come off. I'm not saying this is the Holy grail but it's my holy grail so I'm going to preach the good word and hopefully it helps someone like it has me. Stay thirsty my friends... Wait.. No... Ahh fahget-it.

Salute!

Single Parents & Dating

It's Friday night, you just got off of work and you're ready to spend some nice quality time with you new boyfriend/girlfriend. So you call him/her and they tell you that plans fell through and they have their child but that you're more than welcomed to still come over. Not exactly what you had in mind for a nice chill friday where you'd rather just relax minus the child..

Dating a single parent can be a very delicate situation. Children always come first mainly because they aren't able yet to take care of themselves and require a lot of attention especially at a young age. However, this does not mean that a single parent cannot balance being in a relationship all while being the parent their child needs them to be. I always recommend that single parents should try dating other single parents because they understand the struggle when it comes to dating. I've been in 3 relationships in my entire life. One where I was the guy dating a single parent, another where I was the single parent dating someone without kids (which was hell I might add), and then as a single parent dating another single parent. The easiest one of the 3 choices was being a single parent dating another single parent. The connection was stronger because we had something that was such a huge part of our lives bring us together and instead of children being a burden, it became a plus when both children were around.

Now, If you don't have children, and are interesting in someone that does, or do have children and interested in someone who does not, there are some things you need to consider when dating a single parent.

The Package Deal

First and foremost, when dating single parent, you must realize that you aren't only taking on a new girlfriend or boyfriend, but eventually you will be taking on their child as well. If you do have serious intentions with this person it is imperative that you consider if you are ready for such a huge responsibility. Depending on the situation, there might not be a lot of free time for each of you to spend alone and that can bring a lot of stress onto a new relationship if there isn't any balance. Do you like kids? Does your ideal woman have any kids or would you prefer to start a family from the ground up as opposed to being an addition to someone else's? These are some of the things you must ask yourself when considering dating a single parent. Weigh your options before things get serious mainly because kids can get attached to you as well and might not understand why you aren't coming around anymore when things don't work out with their mother or father.

The Introduction

When is it a good time to bring your children around someone you're considering dating? I wouldn't recommend bringing them around too soon but I wouldn't wait too long either. Sometimes we as parents are so overprotective of our children that we wait months to bring them around someone who we are involved with and that can be very dangerous. Why? Well, you have to take into account that your child is a huge part of your life and now you are considering bringing someone new into that picture. Shouldn't you be concerned if they will get along? What if your child hates them? What if they don't like your child? Finding out that this person that seemed so perfect for you has no chemistry with your child can be really stressful. Needless to say, your relationship will probably never grow. That doesn't mean you should introduce them to everybody you're dating, especially if you are a "serial dater". Give yourself time to get to know the person you're dating before you allow your child to get to know them. When the time is right and you have a full grasp on who the person you are dating is and consider them a serious candidate, pull the trigger. It doesn't have to be an all day thing, it can be brief but when you do allow them to meet, pay attention to them as they interact. Is your new love interest showing any sort of interest in the child or do they appear uninterested? Keep in mind that not everybody is great with kids, especially if they've never had any of their own. So be careful not to read too much into these signs because it very well could be a learning experience for them.

Children can run a good man or woman out of your life very quickly if you allow them so when it comes to your child meeting someone new, have a talk with them before hand, remember when it comes to your child and understanding, communication is key. Let them know that it's important to you that they be respectful at all times. Rudeness is not "cute" and shouldn't be tolerated. It can be an awkward situation for your significant other if your child is being rude to them in front of you. That's you're job to handle that, not theirs.

If you are dating someone with children and the time comes where you are to meet the child, be enthusiastic, keep the communication going, keep the questions coming, show the child's parent that you have interest in not only her or him but the child as well.

Quality time vs Family time

When you are a single parent and are involved with someone, it is important that you balance the time you share with your child and the time you spend with your significant other. Kids always come first however, you don't want your significant other to feel alienated when they are around or feel that they can't come around because you never seem to have enough time for them. There should be a good amount of time spent between you, the child and your significant other, you and the child, and you and your significant other. If your significant other is making strides to spend time with you and your child, make time for them. Set a bed time for your children so that your partner can know that at a certain time, they are sure to get some time with you, alone. Go out and do things. Remember, your relationship with one another must still be able to grow even when children are in the picture. Never get comfortable in thinking that once your partner has been introduced to your child that they won't expect a little quality alone time here and there.

If you are dating someone with a child, understand that they might not always have time for you separate from the child. Be understanding and don't alienate yourself when you can't get time alone with your partner. Make sure that you suggest things that include not only your partner, but the child as well from time to time. Look for children's events that are coming to town, try some amusement parks, suggest going to the play park or movies.

One instance where it can be very difficult to bond with a child is when the child is of the opposite sex. Not only is their a huge gap between your age and theirs, but the activities depending on the sex of the child can very. Little girls might not be as rough as boys, they might like playing in makeup and watching child shows that cater to them more. Boys might be rough, into physical interaction and like watching and playing sports more. Compromise must be made on both ends.

If you are the person dating a single parent, partake in those activities with the child. Do the things that they like to do from time to time even if the activities aren't necessarily things you're into, compromise.

If you are the single parent, compromise on your end as well. Make sure that sometimes you and the child do things that your partner likes to do, watch things that they have interest in if they are child friendly.

Who's the boss?

I remember one instance where I was at a friends house with my daughter who's 5. My friend, in a playing manner threw something at me, and my daughter who didn't really understand why the object was thrown went ballistic to say the least.

As overprotective as we can be with our children you'd be surprised how protective they are over us. Not only are children overprotective but they are very territorial, especially in single parent homes. Your child might not be used to seeing you so close to someone else and might find ways to lash out if they either feel you are in harms way or if they aren't getting enough attention. In many cases, a child can very well dictate what you can and cannot do when they are in you and your significant other's presence, but only if you let them. Remember, you're the parent, they are the child. Now, it's a child so of course there are limitations on what you should allow your child to see. I don't think you and your partner should be "lip locking" with your child as a spectator but I don't think you should have to sit on opposite ends of the room either. Find a respectful balance to where your child and significant other are not left out or feeling like there is such a drastic change whenever you're all together.

If you are the one dating a single parent, you should understand that you can't do certain things or act a certain way with your partner in front of children. If the child's bedtime is set at a decent hour, you should have plenty of time to share more intimate moments with your significant other. Make sure that you don't just come around when it's bedtime, make it a point to be there before. Dedicate a little time to the child and you will get yours.

Drama Drama Drama

In some cases, "baby momma/daddy" drama can be so intense that it's best to cut your losses and move on, however, if the situation is manageable and there isn't any drama or very little drama, make sure to stay out of it if you're the one dating someone with children. Leave those issues to your significant other and the person they share the child with because that is someone that is going to be around for a very long time depending on how old the child is and definitely isn't someone you want to be at odds with if you have serious intentions in the relationship.

It's a very delicate situation when you're dating someone who has a child and both parents are still in the picture. Even though it's a huge part of being a single parent, no one wants to find out that someone else is doing their part when it comes to raising their child so be mindful of that, don't get in the way, if anything, just assist them both in parenting. Be there for the child but also know when to back off. Be respectful and let the other party know you are there to assist them with raising their child and not that you have your own agenda in doing so because that's where the drama begins. If you and your significant other are living together, there are certain things you will have to be in charge of in terms of household rules and things that need immediate decisions, but major decisions should be left up to the child's parents.

If you are a single parent and dating, and the child's mother or father is in the child's life, at some point it might be best to introduce them to your significant other. It can ease a parents mind to know who the person is that is around their child and assisting you both with raising them and just like you communicated with the child about how important it is that they be respectful to your significant other, the same must be done to your child's mother or father.

An instance that can cause problems in a relationship with a single parent where both parents are heavily involved is when both parents think it's important that they spend time together with the child. I grew up in a single parent home and I can't really remember seeing my mother or father in the same room together but I do wish I did. Some parents feel that that is important and if you are dating a single parent be respectful of that. There will be times where your significant other and their child's father or mother will be around each other for an extended amount of time and you shouldn't get in the way of that as long as they include you. If you decline, that's your call but it's not right for you to stop these gatherings from happening just because you don't want to be there. It's about the child in this case and not you. If you do decide to go, be there but try not to go overboard when it comes to being involved with their interaction. Your significant other invited you and that should be enough to let you know that nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

If you are a single parent and do feel that it's important that you and the person you share a child with spend time together with the child every now and then, do so but include your significant other in these outings. This shouldn't be a problem for either parent if these gatherings are about the child. Also, understand that everything should have a limit. If you feel that it is necessary that you and your child's father/mother spend time every weekend for family nights then perhaps you both should consider being an actual family. These occasions shouldn't be that often to where there is a strict routine you follow. That's okay for individuals who are single but not the best idea if you have serious intentions with someone new.

Control Issues

Many times in a single parent home especially if the other parent isn't in the picture or is barely in the picture, the single parent is reluctant to give up control when it comes to how their child should be raised. A child being raised by 1 parent could very well upset the balance that that child needs to have. Although you might be a strong women or man and think you can do it all, there is nothing wrong with getting help or a different opinion from your significant other on important issues and by letting go of your control and allowing your significant other to know that his or her opinion is important. Doing so will only strengthen your relationship and the relationship they have with the child. Remember, you chose to be with this person and believe that they are a good enough man or woman for not only you but to bring around your child so you should trust them enough to make sound decisions when it comes to them.

Dating a single parent or being a single parent can be a very tough situation but making it work is not impossible. We want to live for our children but not at the expense of our lives. You definitely don't want to end up old and alone because you dedicated your life to your child. If you're someone who doesn't have children, you definitely don't want the fact that someone does stop you from being in a relationship when they could be great for you.

I'm not a doctor, relationship or children's counselor, I'm just a normal everyday guy who has my own opinion based on trial and error in my personal life. The talking points and solutions that I've written about have worked for me and I thought it would be a great topic to speak on. Read at your discretion.

Be great.