Thursday, September 9, 2021

Nice Guys: Why do they finish last?

Women say they want to date nice guys (Urbaniak & Kilmann, 2003), but their actions and choices often send a different message. Our culture is full of examples of less-than-nice guys getting the girl (or many girls)—Han Solo, Barney Stinson, Johnny Castle, and even Jordan Belfort (of The Wolf of Wall Street) had no trouble attracting women.
When a woman says, “He’s nice,” her ruling may actually be a polite rejection, a recognition of some good qualities, but an overall evaluation of “No, not for me.”

You're a 'good' man, that makes a decent living, you meet women every so often however you can't seem to close the deal with the kind of women you're attracted to. You were raised to treat a woman with respect of course, you pull out chairs, open doors, you pay the bill every time and you ask questions and carefully listen to her responses. But this often leads to her telling you that you're a good guy, but just not what she's looking for. But why?

We often look to certain terms that describe the typical men who get the girl as assholes, jerks, neglectful, dangerous, and selfish individuals. But let's take a deeper look at these terms and how they correlate to the kind of characteristics these men have that lead them to being categorized as such and why some of these characteristics seem to attract women even though on the surface, they appear to be undesirable traits.

First let's ask ourselves this question. What do women want. Well, from my own person experiences, the answers can be quite contradictory. Here's what I mean.

1. A woman wants a man that takes pride in the way that he looks but who doesn't spend more time on his look than her. It is perceived as feminine to some. 

2. A woman wants a man whose romantic, kind, has manners, and thoughtful but isn't afraid to stand firm on his decisions as it pertains to her and the decisions for the household. 

3. They want a man whose driven, successful, financially secure, but wants to place her first, ahead of the things that made him successful, financially. 

4. She wants a man who's attractive, even though she's very territorial and can't stand the attention he may get from women on a daily. 

5. She wants him to be book smart with a little bit of street in him.

6. She's drawn to the man who has a social life but is left feeling neglected when his social life gets in the way. 

Are all women like this? No. But a lot are and a man can be confused as to which road to take here when it seems it's impossible to be everything she wants. The nice guys tend to take the softer stance. The issue is, the softer stance caters more to a woman's wants. The 'Bad boy' caters more to what she needs.  

Let's take a look at some terms that are perceived as negative and how they translate to the dating game.

"He's an asshole": Is he really? Men get called assholes for their sarcastic nature. A beautiful woman isn't use to a man standing toe to toe with her, exuding confidence. Instead she gets the typical 'nervous behavior' exhibited by nice guys. This sacrastic nature of the 'asshole' may make the nice guy cringe but for her, she might look at this as an act of confidence, and a challenge. Here's something else that's interesting. How many highly successful business men are the prototypical 'nice guy'? Few and far in-between. Often times, they are jerks, standoffish, and opinionated. Don't believe me? Just watch an episode of the Shark Tank. That's how they got to where they are and where are they(?), living their dreams, while the nice guy is too scared to say what he needs to in order to get ahead in life and with women. 

"He's selfish!" - we look at this term as a bad thing but again, how many successful people do you know that didn't put themselves first? It's a must that you prioritize your wants and needs to achieve your dreams. Nice guys can't make tough decisions that might not sit well with women. You're in a relationship, and you just got a great job offer in another state. The selfish guy is going to follow that opportunity, meanwhile the nice guy is going to put his woman's wants first. And maybe she's happy when you make that decision at first, but down the road she becomes unhappy with the stagnant lifestyle you guys live. Men need to constantly be moving, keeping things interesting.

I asked a few women if they really prefered a man who was willing to put them over his own wants, needs, and dreams and these were a few of the responses:

"No, I want a man of his word. I want a man who has vision and is working towards it. I want him to be self sufficient. I want him to put in the same effort I put in. A nice guy knows how to multitask and find balance between his obligations. Sometimes that does mean sacrifice, but not ALL of the time, for any responsibility." ~Kimberlie Nicole

"No, because then he isn't focused on meeting his goals and bettering himself. I will support his dreams and aspirations as long as it is something that empowers and uplifts him, which will empower and uplift us. I would expect the same understand and support from him" ~Lamarilus Jones

When you chase opportunity, it creates a lifestyle change, saves you from becoming resentful, it saves then from becoming bored, and that keeps you and them interested. Be driven, be a go-getter. She'll respect that about you. 

"He's so neglectful" - Is he really neglectful or is he out, too busy chasing his dreams, maintaining his social life, and pursuing his purpose to make sure his happiness is taken care of. Nice guys see the girl they like and become clingy and sometimes creepy. These 'neglectful' types have a career, have hobbies, have friends, they have a workout regimen etc. They take care of themselves first because they understand that they must be happy with who they are and can't simply rely on love to do the trick.

"So called "nice guys" are rarely nice, what you usually mean by "respect" is pander to their every need and annoy the shit out of them with constant cringey texts and declarations of love after two dates, you then get jealous and insane. So called "bad boys" are not bad, they just don't put a girl on pedestal, they have hobbies, goals, careers, and more important things to do than chase some new girl they hardly know. Women see that you aren't desperate and don't need them and they are attracted to that. A guy with a idgaf attitude and a busy social life is called a "bad boy" why? is he robbing liquor stores? no, he just doesn't pander to women because they have a pussy, he's aware how easy that is to get and that abundance mentality is attractive to women." ~Rob Michaels

Most men grow up thinking that if they see the woman they want, they need to act fast and be consistent, but it's really the cool, calm, and collected nature that wins them over. 

"Nice guys tend to lash out when you don't respond to their "nice" antics. "Nice" guys are actually scarier to be around than "bad" boys for this reason. They're quick to be condescending when things aren't going their way." 
-Samantha Jones

Always being available can be unattractive to a woman. Truth is, she wants your company often but wants to know you're too busy out doing something with your life to always be there. That makes the time you do spend more valuable. Absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say. So pursue your purpose, and maintain an active lifestyle. 

He's a 'bad boy': I know women who personally go for the edgier types. I don't think they are thinking about drive-bys and being robbed or set up, I personally think they like to know that the man they are with will stand up for himself and her. It's also a status symbol to date a man who has made a name for himself in whatever city he's in. Attention on him means attention on her. You go to work and come home every day, and you're a good man for it but there's no mystique about you. You're boring.

He's emotionally unavailable: nice guys are very open with everything. To them, the more information they give, the more they'll capture a woman's attention. I've found that the more a man talks, the more likely a woman is to place him in a box. It's better to remain a little mysterious and not give up so much information and 'bad boys' are masters at this. They come off as cold and secretive, more interested in her thoughts than going into his. 'Bad boys' are more likely to tell a woman that they aren't looking for a relationship because it comes off as them being vulnerable. Nice guys do the opposite. Not only are they looking, but they're eager to start a new life with someone. I've had my best success in the dating game when I didn't apply so much pressure on women. Instead, I lived life, met people, made friends, and some turned into more than that. It was organic.

So are bad guys really bad, and are good guys really good? I personally don't think either are necessarily true in the cases I've observed. What I do think is one prioritizes himself and the other prioritizes the woman. Ultimately, when a man prioritizes himself and his own progression, the woman benefits as well. Like most things, balance is important, as long as it doesn't compromise your own journey. Thanks for reading, and God bless.

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

The 3 types of partners: Teammates, Cheerleaders, & Competitors

 

There are 3 types of partners you can choose in life, teammates, cheerleaders, and competitors. Below, I'll breakdown the difference.

Cheerleaders: These are partners that genuinely want to see you do well, and will even cheer you on along the way, but they aren't involved in the process. They cheer from the sidelines rather. Regardless of whether they are involved in a hands-on Kind of way or not, it's nice to have this kind of partner in your corner. A cheerleader may not be involved in the race, but they'll be waiting with your water and anything else you'll need to accommodate you.

Teammates: These are partners that not only cheer you on, but are very much involved in the process as well. A teammate wants the best for the team, and isn't concerned with which one of you crosses the finish-line first because a win for one of you is a win for both of you. A teammate feels a sense of accomplishment when you accomplish victory.

Competitors: These are partner who, like the teammate, are very much involved in the growth process but are driven by outdoing you, and find it hard to take on the cheerleader role, mainly because part of them finds it hard to view themselves as part of a team in the first place. You find this frame of thinking among people who take a lot of pride in their Independence. Competing isn't necessarily a bad thing if both people involved share this same mindset. It's when a teammate or cheerleader end up with a competitor that there is this clash.

Here's an example of each type of partner used in the same scenario. Let's say your household needs an extra income for whatever reason. 

1. The cheerleader will leave it up to you, and will even help you find a job, and will be ecstatic when you do but ultimately won't take part in any search of their own.

2. The teammate will fill out applications right along-side of you, and if you get the callback and they don't, they are still happy because the overall goal was still achieved.

3. The competitor, like the teammate, will fill out applications right along-side of you but will focus more on why they didn't get the call back, than be happy that one of you did.

Also, cheerleaders and teammates use words like "we & us". Competitors use words like "I & me".

Like most things concerning partnerships however, there isn't a right or wrong way, it's about preferences, rather. So what do you prefer? 

Thanks for reading. Please share!



Thursday, February 20, 2020

"Be My Peace"

I completely understand what this means now more than ever. Especially since I don't necessarily agree with the notion that you should "make someone happy". I believe we are all responsible for making ourselves happy, our partners simply enhance that feeling by making us smile, making us laugh, making us feel ecstatic about something. But all of those things are just temporary emotions and they work both ways. They can also make you upset, angry, etc etc. The STATE of being happy is continuous and is internal and absolutely shouldn't be controlled by another person. 

Be my peace (to me) simply means don't upset the upward trajectory that my happiness is ascending towards. Because, although the emotions a person might feel from that is temporary, it can throw a person off of that path enough to destroy it all. And that is enough to affect the state of being happy. 

People focus better without distractions

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

When Life Gives You Lemons...


Let's say you own a classic automobile. The body is perfect. You knocked out all of the dents, and then added a fresh coat of paint. Threw some nice rims on it. The interior is plush, fresh leather, all of the instruments are brand new. The car looks great. You put the car on the market to sell. A guy reaches out to you about it. So you guys schedule an appointment. He shows up, you tell him, "nice car isn't it?" He says, "looks nice but I'm ready to start her up, see how it runs!" 

So you start it up, it takes a minute to start, then when it does, it shutters a bit. There's also a slight pinging noise. You can tell that the buyer is a bit worried. 

He says "let's open the hood". So you guys open the hood, and there's rust everywhere, and leaks from some of the hoses. It appears the entire engine needs to be replaced or at the very least, needs major work.

So the buyer says, "you know what, you've put a lot of work into the appearance of the vehicle but it doesn't seem like you put any work into making it run efficiently, and for what you're asking for, this car just needs too much work. I'm going to pass on it."

You see, you can have a beautiful looking car but when you place it on the market, someone who's a serious buyer, who's actually going to take care of it, knows the difference between something that's going to last a very long time and something that's going to break down a month after purchase.

A lot of people take this same approach with themselves. We spend so much time in the gym, getting in shape, or beautifying ourselves, but many never put the same amount of work into getting our minds right, and changing bad habits. We think, "I can have anybody I want if I can just get in good shape, or if I had this look", but realistically, that's no different than throwing paint on a poorly-running car. 

So take a look deep within and put yourself out there as a complete individual, not half of one, hoping someone will take a discount on you. 

God bless


Tuesday, July 9, 2019

A Proud Father




Cant believe I have a 12 year old. Time goes hella fast. I still believe the scariest moment in my life is when me and her mother split and I was on my own, the first day she was dropped off to me, I had no idea what to do. I called my mom and she eased my mind like she always does.

 She was a 1 year old and didn't cry much at all. We became best buddies during that time.
I would have conversations with her, she would respond like she knew what I was talking about. Maybe she did.... I'd lay her on my chest as I sat on the couch beating the breaks off her uncles in Madden on Xbox live as she slept(true story).

When she started walking, she'd just take off running, I literally had to hold her hand everywhere we went or she'd just take off lol, hands in the air like a Scooby-Doo character. Good times.

I'm just glad she's into tech, video games, and anime and not these young knucklehead whippersnappers..... Yet.... I'm sure that day will come and when it does we'll have a mature conversation about it.

As a father raising a daughter, I don't think there's much I can teach her about being a woman, what I can do is do my best to teach her what a man is suppose to be by being that man for her. If she chooses wrong, I'll look at that as a direct reflection of my impact on her.

One day I'll pass the torch willingly and step back knowing she's in good hands.

Sincerely,
A Proud dad.

Friday, July 5, 2019

Why men should learn to fish




So imagine you’re at a lake. Women represent Fisherman. Each woman has their own boat with a fishing rod.

Below the water are the men who represents the fish. Certain men have more to offer/less baggage and that makes them more desired and sought after.

So Women throw their line in the water using bait. Their bait consists of their beauty, their youth, their ability to nurture, etc. The more a woman has to offer, the more men flock to this bait, leaving a lot of other women who have less to offer/more baggage unbothered.

So sooner or later, the women who aren’t attracting much action say “screw this, I’m jumping in the water, I’m tired of waiting, all of these women have less to offer than me underneath the surface, if only I can get ahead of them somehow.”.

But now, evolution has taken place. Not only are there men in the water, there are women too. With that, now there are men saying “screw this”, every time I see the kind of bait I like, 100 other men flock to it and it’s hard for her to even see me and what really sets me apart if she’s constantly trying to fend off all of these unworthy individuals.

So, he gets his own boat, his own fishing pole and attached to it, his own bait. His bait consists of his ability to protect, lead, and provide, along with charisma, style, power, confidence, etc.

So he tosses his line in the water and gets criticized by the other women who finally see his value.

“Hey, you’re not suppose to be up here, get back down in the water! That’s not masculine, that’s not what REAL men do. I refuse to come to a man!”

But this man has so many women on his line trying to go for his bait that it’s intriguing to many of these other women, and women who are competitive by nature, begin to turn their attention towards this man and what he has to offer, even if only for those competitive reasons.

This is how the average man has started to win in today’s society and why men who take this approach are shamed. It has nothing to do with him being less of a man, but more so about taking advantage of the platforms we’ve been given.

So instead of the typical approach where you see someone you like and begin to audition for their interest in you, be seen and be active. Showcase your talents and your mindset and not to any one in specific, but to everybody. If you're intriguing enough, you'll begin to stand out and that ultimately leads to creating your own value. Value attracts value.

God bless.






Saturday, April 20, 2019

Hypergamy vs Loyalty: The unpopular opinion


loy·al·ty
/ˈloiəltē/
noun
  1. the quality of being loyal.

    "her loyalty to her husband of 34 years"
    • a strong feeling of support or allegiance.
      plural noun: loyalties






    • I think most of my life, I was conditioned to believe that women were inherently good and loyal. After all, It's usually the women that have to put up with the cheating and abuse in relationships and for the most part, they'll stick through it. When a woman typically settles down with a man, it's because she see's something in him that makes him valuable to her survival. These are the natural instincts of a woman. This is what the term hypergamy is referencing. A woman is more likely to put up with a man who’s polygamous in nature when his resources make him the best available option to her. When his value lowers or hers raises, the dynamic changes and her nature kicks in. He becomes less attractive and she sets her sights on the next best available option. When you examine this behavior and compare it to the definition of loyalty, we come to find out that it’s actually the furthest thing from it. The truth is, women are about as loyal as their options allow them to be. As long as you remain to be “that dude” in her eyes, you’ll be in good standing with her. But if her loyalty is conditional based, is it really loyalty? 

      Men are more likely to stay with a woman even when he’s lost attraction to her. When a man isn’t happy, his polygamous nature is more likely to kick in but he returns home and he’ll continue to do so until she one day decides to leave him. This is why women indeed initiate the majority of breakups. 

      “Until recently, studies had only been done on the breaks-ups of heterosexual married couples, and it had been found that the leading gender who initiated these break-ups were female.
      As part of his analysis, Rosenfeld found that women initiated 69 percent of all divorces, compared to 31 percent for men. In contrast, there was not a statistically significant difference between the percentage of breakups initiated by unmarried women and men, regardless of whether they had been cohabitating with their partners. Since the 1940’s, women have been the dominant initiator of divorce. It is thought that this is because women are more sensitive to relationship problems than men.” -Women and Men: Whose More Likely to Initiate a Break Up?
      By Mike Bundrant 

      Have you ever heard the term “happy wife happy life”? Well, as unfair as that concept is, it’s not entirely untrue. Women are not conditioned to remain in relationships where they are unhappy while we men are. Our leashes are incredibly short when we date up. By dating up, for men, I’m referring to men who date women with more resources than him. When his resources are greater, this affects her overall state of happiness and influences her ability to remain “loyal” to him. To her, you’re easily replaceable because you’re merely an accessory to her already established lifestyle. 

      If you need further proof of women and their hypergamous nature, simply study women who believe they can take the taken man away from his woman. She attempts to pry information from him about his situation in hopes that she can highlight certain attributes in her character to make herself more valuable than his woman. If his relationship is lacking sex, she will become more freaky, aggressive, and a more willing sex partner. If his wife never cooks, she will be a chef to him. And at the end of the day, he still doesn't leave, she becomes upset, and this is where the drama ensues. To her, she played her cards right based on her belief in hypergamy and how it relates to a woman’s true nature. But men simply do not think this way. A man who initiates a breakup probably does so because he’s simply sick and tired of her shit, not because he found a better option. On the flip side, men are often blindsided by women who opt to leave because men believe that as long as they are good guys, and put their woman first, she’ll remain as loyal to him as he is to her. It doesn't matter how good of a man you are, if your resources diminish or she has reached the point to where she knows she can attain a man with more resources, you will become more unattractive to her and she will eventually level up. (This is when she starts picking little fights with you about things that never mattered before).

      • Ironically, men are often referred to as dogs, and as derogatory as that term may be, it’s pretty accurate based on our nature. Dogs are considered one of the most loyal household pets if not the most loyal. “A dog may roam but he always returns home”. It's also why when a lot of men cheat, they can either cheat up or down because it's never their intention to level up. They are simply looking for a release, not an escape. Ask most women what they think about the woman that their man cheated on them with for reference.

      So when you actually study the nature of men and women, you come to the conclusion that men might actually be the more loyal sex. Because marriage, for better or for worse, until death do us part, is all conditional based when it comes to the other side.

      You tell me.